Big Boss... is watching you. Right now. Put some clothes on!
So I just finished playing The Phantom Pain. It was a lot of fun at first and definitely does a lot right from a gameplay perspective. There's a ton of stuff to do (even if most of it is repetitive). It was too light on story for my liking, personally, in that there was barely any to speak of. Between that and the copious amounts of time-wasting padding, it was ultimately an unsatisfying experience.
The good news is...lots of moonlit horseback travel through Afghanistan!
An African jungle that makes me wish I were playing an MGS3 remake instead!
Early in the game, our anti-hero finds a puppy and ends up keeping him as sort of a base-mascot. I gotta say, this is my favorite screenshot out of all of these.
Soon, the puppy grows into a big husky dog, the aptly-named D-Dog. Short for Diamond Dog. He knows how to fly helicopters, apparently.
The bad news is that his co-pilot is actually dead, and was all along. This is the Kojima Twist(tm). Wait a minute, if that guy is dead...
...OH SHIT! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
WHY DID WE TRUST D-DOG WITH THE CONTROLS? HE DOESN'T HAVE HANDS, DAMMIT!
There's also one woman in the game, Quiet, and she's basically naked the whole time. She also doesn't speak at all! She's like the perfect woman in Japan!*
*Also valid in many parts of The South
When I say she's basically naked for the entire game, I'm not kidding. When our heroes leave her to her own devices (in a cell) for more than ten seconds, she takes off her bikini top. The story explains this with "she has an easier time breathing without many clothes on" because her skin absorbs air or something.
This excuse is right up there with the one MGS Peace Walker gives us for spritely child Paz prancing around you in a bikini for the latter parts of the game. She looks about 10, but the game tells us she's actually 22! You're right, Kojima, that totally makes it okay! Might as well say she's actually 42! Who gives a fuck anymore, right? MILF alert!
Back to this game. Quiet is hot. I just wish she had a personality and goals or something. Sigh, some day.
On the bright side, she's a really badass sniper. She's borderline OP at times, taking out enemies from SUPER far away.
Whoa! I found another woman in the game. More specifically, in one of the bases I found the sexiest poster I've ever seen. The text bubble says "Kept you waiting, huh?" I think this is a meta-statement on the seven-year space between MGS4 and this game.
And now...TROPHY TIME
LIVE TO WIN! TILL YOU DIE!
TILL THE LIGHT DIES IN YOUR EYYYYES!
That grenade launcher looks a lot like the tear-gas launcher from Terminator 2. Has the same firing trajectory too. It's probably my favorite weapon from this game, and totally devastates everything in your path. Infantry can be easily dispatched, even if they're in cover (shoot to the side of it and the explosion takes them out). Even tanks fall to this thing after a few shots. It also has a surprising range, and can be rapid-fired. That last part is awesome.
Here's my second-favorite shot. Big Boss should just ride off into the mist and never look back.
And finally...Gundams! This fight with Sahelanthropus is pretty much the crowning moment of the game. Most intense boss fight, easily. Other than that... in a series that has some incredible boss lineups, this game falls a bit short in the boss department.
Lastly, and most importantly, you can paint Quiet gold. I love this reference.
AHHH! HELP ME
If you liked this post, check out my MGS5: Ground Zeroes post. If you hated this post, also check out my MGS5: Ground Zeroes post because it's probably better than this one.
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