Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Suikoden vs. The World

The Suikoden series is one of my favorite RPG series out there, when it comes down to it.  Because Suikoden has so many characters (108 per game), there's bound to be some name overlap between the cast of the series and the rest of the media that exists in the world. Today I find out who would win in battles to the death between the Suikoden cast and their namesakes elsewhere.

Piccolo Vs. Piccolo from Dragonball Z
DBZ Piccolo BLEW UP THE MOON, which would have radically transformed the lives of everyone on Earth in a more intelligent show. On the other hand... Suikoden III Piccolo is short and old.
Winner: The World

Samus Vs. Samus from Metroid
Samus is a master swordsman with tassled Kevin Nash pants, but he'd no doubt be too captivated by the shiny gold armor of this star-traveller to actually fight back. Thus, Samus takes this one easily. Also, laser cannons. However! Samus from Metroid could run into some issues if she's the Other M version of the character and her C.O. (and card-carrying authoritative disapproving man) Adam tells her not to use any of her weapons while she's being pummeled. Luckily, I'm going by this being the best version of Samus, and whether that's Super Metroid or Metroid Prime 1, the guy from the Suikoden series doesn't have a chance.
Winner: The World

Nash Vs. Wrestling Sensation Kevin Nash
And speaking of tassled pants... Kevin Nash is bigger and stronger than Nash, so Sierra's boy toy would have a rough go of it here, and could quickly succumb to the "Red and Black Attack". However, Suikoden Nash is a well-trained spy and assassin who has conducted many missions and outwitted many adversaries. As a result, he would no doubt use his towering intellect to... run away from Big Kev. Then, when "Big Daddy Cool" gives chase he'll blow out one or more quads.
Winner: Suikoden

Gau Vs. Gau from Final Fantasy VI
Suikoden Gau is a dog-man, so he theoretically possesses Dogscratch. Unfortunately for him, FFVI Gau's Catscratch is much scarier than Dogscratch. Cats are scary little buggers if they decide that you're food. Suiko-Gau is big and strong, while FFVI Gau is a mere boy. However, FFVI Gau has run with the wolves and studied the battle arts of the antelope and shit. I think FFVI Gau would win this on sheer ferocity alone.
Winner: The World

Sgt. Joe Vs. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, The Drill Sergeant From Full Metal Jacket 
Sgt. Joe is a decent character and good with an axe, but Gunnery Sergeant Hartman is a minister of death, praying for war. If Sgt. Joe is a goddamn communist heathen who doesn't love the Virgin Mary, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman will be left with no choice but to stomp him. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman WILL rip your balls off, so you can't contaminate the rest of the world.
Winner: The World

Luc Vs. Luke Skywalker 
This is a particularly tough call. Are we talking Luke Skywalker at the beginning of Episode IV, the end of Episode VI, or somewhere in-between? And since Luc's power itself varied wildly between the games, his power is equally difficult to measure. Taking both of them at their maximum strength in their respective series might be the best way to do this. Looking at the heights of their powers: At the end of Return of the Jedi we've got Luke with all kinds of Jedi powers thanks to the teachings of Yoda. At the end of Suikoden 3, Luc has the power of the True Fire, True Lightning, True Water, and True Earth runes. If Luke manages to get mind control to land on Luc, all bets are off. However, Luc can essentially cast nukes, and you can't teach that.
Winner: Suikoden

Alanis Vs. Alanis Morisette
Alanis is a good character in battle, and Alanis Morisette is likely to be at least mildly doped up, but odds are definitely against Suikoden here. Why? Because Alanis Morisette is the creator of the universe, according to Dogma. Since she is essentially omnipotent, she can cause anyone to cease to exist instantly.
Winner: The World

Lilly Pendragon Vs. Lilly from Grandia
This is a tough call. Lilly from Suikoden is hot as hell and has a deadly sword, while Justin's Mom is armed with a... tray. That said, I have to give this one to her since she could block Suikoden Lilly's attacks with said tray and then take her out with a deadly wrestling-style tray-shot. The edge goes to Grandia's Lilly. ...just kidding, there's no way Justin's Mom could defeat a skilled swordswoman. This one wouldn't even be a fight.
Winner: Suikoden

Lucia Vs. Lucia from Lunar: Eternal Blue
Lucia from Suikoden is a fierce fighter, and she's slightly insane to boot. The skeletal nudist on the right, however, has some super-powers that would give her the edge in an even fight. The only problem is, Lunar Lucia is somewhat pacifistic and nice, while Suikoden Lucia is the "kill first and ask questions later" type. Because of the viciousness, Suikoden's Lucia would definitely win in a fight.
Winner: Suikoden

Rico Vs. Rico Banderas from Xenogears
I'm not sure if Rico from Suikoden is a boy, a girl, or a hobbit. One thing's for sure, he works hard. All that running around with a pack is sure to build strong muscles and strong bones. ...ladies. Meanwhile, Rico Banderas is already ridiculously strong, but even he doesn't have the kind of raw power that one gets from running around with a heavy pack all day. The edge definitely goes to Errand Boy Rico, truly a powerful man. ...woman. ...person. He punches out Rico Banderas in round one in what can only be called a stunning upset that only I could have predicted.
Winner: Suikoden

Lulu Vs. Lulu from Final Fantasy X
Suikoden 3's Lulu is a puny kid, while FFX's Lulu has spells like DoubleCast, Mega Flare, Giga Nuke, Super Nova, Thermonuclear Explosion of Doom, Large Hadron Universal Collapse, and Fira. Suikoden's Lulu might show more leg, but this one would go to FFX's Lulu, and quickly.
Winner: The World

Yumi Vs. A Yummy Plate Of Sushi
The plate of sushi cannot actually fight back, so Yumi easily wins this battle. She could just toss the plate at a nearby tree, which would both score her a ring-out victory AND feed the local wildlife (and, if this battle takes place in America, feed nearby poor people). The only way a plate of sushi wins this battle is if the contest is decided on which of the two would be more fun to eat and the judges are all people who aren't me.
Winner: Suikoden

Hugo Vs. Hurricane Hugo
Hugo is pretty fast, but Hurricane Hugo is one of the strongest hurricanes ever to hit the southeastern seaboard. Unfortunately, Suikoden Hugo would lose this one, and badly. There's no fighting nature, though you can bet Google is working on it.
Winner: The World

Leo Vs. General Leo
Leo is big and tough and swings an axe, but General Leo has the power of Shock. Given all that electricity-conducting plate armor that Leo is wearing, General Leo could quickly electrocute the big oaf at a safe distance before it even came down to one-on-one combat.
Winner: The World

Jimba Vs. Simba
This depends on whether or not Simba is in cub or grown-up form. I'll go with the latter, which means he would easily defeat Jimba because he has the support of that huge harem of lionesses.
Winner: The World

Borus Vs. Boris Yeltsin
Borus is violent and bloodthirsty, while Boris Yeltsin would have command of nuclear weapons. It's tough to call, but I have to give the edge to Borus here. If all else fails, he can give Boris some vodka, which will cause him to lose his mind like Belch in Earthbound when you give him Fly Honey. While Yeltsin is wolfing down vodka, Borus can attack.
Winner: Suikoden

Rhett Vs. Rhett Butler from Gone With The Wind
Rhett Butler may not give a damn, but Rhett from Suikoden 3 has a sharp beak and talons. All it'd take is a LITTLE BIT of rabies and he'd turn Rhett Butler into hamburger.
Winner: Suikoden

Wilder Vs. National Lampoon's Van Wilder
While Wilder possesses the same sharp beak as Rhett, he is a lot more restrained than Rhett and less likely to catch rabies. In addition, he lacks the killer instinct that Rhett already has, deep down. Van Wilder, on the other hand, is in his seventh year of college and is in peak physical shape from working out instead of doing any schoolwork. However, due to all of the sex that Van Wilder has with nearly every woman he knows, his testosterone levels may be low and thus his own killer instinct may be lacking. Scientifically speaking, men should avoid sex prior to engaging in a physical activity like a fight, because avoiding sex builds up testosterone levels in men. On the other hand, having orgasms increases testosterone levels in women, so women who are gearing up for a physical activity like a sports game should have as many orgasms as possible beforehand. ...ladies. Since Van Wilder already had three today (with three different women), his testosterone levels will be low by the time he fights Wilder, and he'll be more likely to just want to toke a doobie with the guy. Luckily for him, Suiko-Wilder carries a hippie pouch, and he's got rolling papers if you got weed.

Nadir Vs. NBA Great Swen Nater
Nadir is a creepy masked mime who likes theater. Swen Nater, or as I call him, Slim Nater, is perhaps the most fearsome basketballer in history. Suikoden Nadir could bring his A-Game to this battle, and it wouldn't make one bit of difference. It should be noted that Slim Nater counts as all 108 Stars of Destiny by himself, in addition to being The Fifth Beatle. Slim Nater is not only good in the three point perimeter, he's also polling higher than Hillary Clinton in some states. Slim Nater may well be the only man in history virile enough to fully satisfy Jessica Rabbit in bed. Slim Nater wins this one, and he doesn't even have to look at his opponent to do it.
Winner: The World

Suikoden - 8
The World - 10
Draw - 1

And the winner is... The World. Tough break for Suikoden. Maybe they'd have won if Konami hadn't basically dropped the series off at the local Salvation Army.

Just be glad I called it here before I got too carried away. The next one was going to be Prince Luca Blight versus The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire.


  1. Theoretically Gau (...the one everyone knows) could beat just about anybody with enough rages too.

    Yeah, no way would Luc be susceptible to a jedi mind trick.

    Wouldn't even be a fight? I object! Justin's mom was a pirate captain.

    Hate to say it, but Will Smith wouldn't have stood a chance.

  2. Ahahaha, this was a ton of fun, I really enjoyed it. Tons of Jer-humor I've been missing from my life recently. May Suikoden return one day! Possibly at the hands of the kids who grew up playing it, like us!

  3. We've never seen Lilly the Skull fight, but I'd wager a seasoned adventurer such as her would whip that ass with a lunch tray.