Monday, June 14, 2010

Mario RPG Pt 5: Tijuana Vicodin Stand


Part five of the epic seven-part journey of Mario Bauer.


In this episode, our hero contends with a volcano, more beanstalks... and knife-wielding clowns.





Previously on 24...
  
 
Mario: "You son of a bitch! ...I'm gonna need a hacksaw!"

Mario: "What the hell! That isn't Mallow! Are they trying to start a world war!"

Mario: "If that nuke goes off inside a volcano, the entire land will be covered in molten lava!"
WHOOSH 

The following takes place between 7:54 and 7:56 PM.



"I NEED TO BATHE" pants Mario, knocking out the guy at the counter and leaping into the sauna.

The famed Czar Dragon, of FF6 Rumor fame?
Either way...

DON'T WORRY, GUYS! I CAN SEE HIS PARACHUTE! HE'S OKAY!
Imagine if the news were censored like the American version of DBZ. "Here's what happened in the middle east today, but DON'T WORRY, we can see their parachutes! THEY'RE OKAY!"

Mario: "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck"

Inside the volcano, our heroes find the native folk: Dry Bones and Donkey Kong. What? Donkey Kong?

Our heroes do what comes natural and BOMB THE CRAP OUT OF THEM. USA! USA!

::Mario grabs Hinopio by the collars::

"WHERE THE HELL IS THE BOMB!"

It's PLATFORM MAYHEM as our hero leaps across...platforms. Is it an RPG, or an action game? We report, YOU DECIDE

FF6 Non-Refugee Czar Dragon is the boss here... and it may well be the goofiest looking dragon ever.

Zombone, who unlike Czar Dragon really is an FF6 Refugee. I also like the sort-of Earthbound reference. We have here the second to last dungeon (or third if you count the castle/magicant), a fire based dungeon, with a boss that has two forms. It's just like Carbon Dog/Diamond Dog in the Fire Spring of Earthbound. ...alright, that isn't an Earthbound reference. But it's pretty darn suspicious!

THE BOMB
Mario: "CHLOE I NEED THE SCHEMATICS ON THIS STAR!"

...wait, where did it go?

...SON OF A BITCH!
The terrorists grabbed it from us before we could disarm it!

Mario: "DAMN IT! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"

   
Mario: "You've got nowhere to go! Give me the star and I'll try to get the president to issue you a pardon!"
 
Axem Red: "We speet on your preseedent! Patooie!"

 Axem Black: "Capitalist infeedels!"
Mario: "DAMN IT! NERVE GAS! EVERYBODY GET DOWN!"

With that, they BLOW THEMSELVES UP! BARBARIANS!

The sixth star is recovered...Thank God
Mario: ::pant pant:: "There's one left out there!" ::pant pant:: "BILL, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"

Mario: "I NEED THAT SHINY STONE! LOOK KID, THERE'S A BOMB OUT THERE AND THAT STONE IS OUR ONLY LEAD!" ::pant::

Mario: "You son of a bitch! YOU CAN'T BUY MARIO BAUER!"
::Mario throws the guy off the cloud::

Fertilizer? ...wait a minute.
Mario: "EVERYBODY DOWN! THE PLANT IS A BOMB!!!"

::a beanstalk sprouts out::

Here's the best weapon in the game.
I like how short and simple this game is...even the big sidequests are like five minute affairs at the most.

Mario: "THIS ONE'S FOR AMERICA!" ::WHAMM!::

::Mario slugs Grate Guy in the gut::
Mario: "GIVE ME THE ACCESS CARD!"

What the hell? We just intercepted a conversation between Booster Gredenko and Tits McGee!

They're an item? A couple? Lovers? THIS WAS A GOOSE EGG! A RED HERRING! JUST LIKE THE WAR!

WE NEED TO GET IN THERE!

::Mario headbutts the guards::

Mario: ::pant pant:: "WE HAVE TO PLAY THE SLOT MACHINES!"

Mario: "I got an Ace! I saw it, you son of a bitch! WHO DO YOU WORK FOR!"

Mushroom Dealer: "I work...for your father!"

Mario: "My father has nothing to do with this!"

Mushroom Dealer: "Your father has everything to do with this! Start living in the real world, Bauer!"

Mario: "!!!"

TICKTOCK

TICKTOCK

TICKTOCK

TICKTOCK

1 comment:

  1. The only thing better than the Lazy Shell is the Lazy Shell.

    ReplyDelete