Can Mario stop the next nuke in time?
Previously on 24
Mario Bauer: "Damnit! There's no time!"
Geno Assad: "NO!!!!!"
::BOOOOOOOM::
Mario: "............................................."
The following takes place between 1:05 AM and 1:10 AM.
Events occur in real time.
We return as our hero is fleeing the explosion on a mine cart.
Mario Bauer LIVES!
Next thing we know he FALLS THROUGH SOMEONE'S ROOF. BY GOD, SOMEBODY WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT ROOF!
Luckily, he managed to rescue the mole kids during all of that chaos...
...by giving them his gas mask and running out of the mines while holding his breath.
MARIO BAUER'S BRAVERY KNOWS NO BOUNDS!
In the ensuing chaos from the explosion, Mario immediately runs into some gas mask wearing Mad Max style hoodlums. The post-apocalypse has arrived already.
And here's Bowser, former rival. In the aftermath of the explosion, our enmity suddenly seems insignificant.
AUDREY TOADSTOOL!
"Stay the hell away from my daughter, JACK" says Secretary of Defense Toad Heller when reached for comment.
As if things can't get any worse, Evil Russian General Booster Gredenko has Audrey captive.
Dammit! It's time you Rooskies PAID for what you did to Apollo Creed in Rocky IV!
We need to send the encrypted information in these blocks back to CTU NOW.
Mario Bauer's rarely-seen heroin addiction from Season 3 strikes again, as he trips balls and thinks he's his 1985 self.
Meanwhile, Bowser gets a bad-ass chain chomp weapon. Did I mention that he joined forces with Mario? That's right, he did. For one night only. The terror threat is so great that the rivals must unite.
Mario: "WHERE IS AUDREY! DAMNIT! I'M THE ONE YOU WANT!" ::pant pant::
The evil Gas Mask henchmen try to capture our hero, but he is STEALTH BAUER~! and evades capture.
LOOK OUT! Assassins!
Our heroes quickly take them out, and pursue Booster Gredenko in a CTU van.
Mario: "SHE'S USELESS TO YOU, DAMNIT! LET HER GO!"
Son of a bitch! We need to get in there!
Audrey Toadstool: "Well I never! I bathe quite often!"
Mario: "IT'S OKAY! HE'S WITH US!"
Mario: "Get me out of this sandwich! THERE'S NO TIME!"
Mario: "THERE'S A BOMB IN THE CAKE! EVERYONE GET DOWN!"
::cut to stock footage of crowds of Japanese people running from Godzilla::
Now Mario must torture Booster Gredenko to find out where the next nuke is. Booster is all like "give it to me baby". You sick freak! The answer? Star Hill. But where is that?
Mario: "WE NEED THE FILES IN THIS PIANO!"
Mario stops for a few seconds to be in a picture.
HE IS A HERO AMONG MEN!
"The hell is Bowser doing here? He's a known terrorist!" says the Mushroom Chancellor.
Meanwhile, Mario takes a moment to rummage through Toadstool's stuff.
Moments after this picture was taken, the CSI team found that the DNA matched the semen.
This is why I don't really watch CSI etc. They're always talking about how the DNA matches the semen, and stuff.
I mean, for God's sakes, it's like there's semen on EVERYTHING in those shows!
Next thing we know, Audrey parasols out and rejoins our heroes.
Mario: "You alright?"
Toadstool: "Yeah, I...I think so"
That news? He knows where Star Hill is. We need to get there NOW, before the terrorists do.
TICKTOCK
TICKTOCK
TICKTOCK
Star Hill: a place of magic.
...and beavers. Damn, unholy beavers from hell!
Mario: "There's the nuke! Damnit! Chloe I need to know how to disarm this nuke!"
Chloe: "Hold on, this guy I accidentally had sex with is bothering me by existing."
Spencer: "Geez, I'm sorry I had sex with you even though you wanted to!"
Stuff happened. This one was anti-climactic due to the lack of bosses to fight. Our heroes disarmed the star piece, and immediately took off to find the next one.
\
These people are suspicious... I think they know more than they're telling. We're gonna have to torture everybody!
Oh Yeah? Well, Mario Bauer got to his exalted station in life by...pleasing your wife.
Damnit! Another nuke! How the hell many are there?
Next stop? The ocean. Apparently the nuke has fallen into the possession of Australian Mariners.
Time for my least favorite part of Mario RPG, the ghost ship.
The sound of Japanese girls moaning can be heard in the distance as our heroes battle Hentai tentacles. Sick, Japan!
Mario: "FEDERAL AGENT! DROP YOUR WEAPON!"
Squid: o_o
The Australian Mariners don't want to give up the nuke. Damnit!
Johnny: "Yaridovich is wiring me $7 million to give him this star. Start living in the real world, Mario!"
Mario: "PLEASE, sir, those men will use this star to kill countless people!"
A brawl erupts, and Mario barely wins the day.
I never knew until today that you can avoid the one-on-one fight altogether, or heavily whittle him down first... No wonder I had a lot of trouble with this part in the past.
Thank God.
Now to get it back to the surface and disarm it.
...what the?
Mario: "Damnit! If we give them the star, we will be directly responsible for whatever they do with it!"
::power drill sounds::
Mario: "NO! You leave those people out of this!"
Our heroes have no choice but to give up the nuke to end the Old Man Torture.
Luckily, Mario's new pal Johnny already SET UP A PERIMETER, and catches the bad guys as they escape. Get this guy a job at CTU!
We've got a positive ID! All units move in and get that star back! You're cornered, Yaridovich! Don't make us shoot you!
...what the hell?
Geno Assad: "You used to work for me! Let's work together for peace!"
Yaridovich: "no"
Man, did EVERYONE previously work for Assad?
Geno Assad: "......."
::BOOM::
My God. Geno shot him. He shot him right in the eye!
So, our heroes disarm another star...there are only two more left out there, but it's still enough to cause mass destruction.
It's a good thing he was on our side.
No time to waste, though. With no real clues on the remaining two stars, our heroes go to free Yarid's hostages.
They took a power drill to him, but he'll be alright.
Moments after this picture was taken, Chloe slapped him and said to stop whining and get back to work. The hell? The guy just took a power drill to the shoulder! Have some empathy, lady!
No wonder they were all taken hostage. They're too short to see over their counters, so they can't see danger approaching.
We need to find these two stars...if one more goes off, it'll be all-out war with the Star Road. But where are they?
TICKTOCK
TICKTOCK
TICKTOCK
TICKTOCK
I can't say exactly what it is, but this game is still magical.
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