Game Review: Final Fantasy III (iOS, Android, PSP, 2011/2012)

Final Fantasy III
System: iOS/Android/PSP
Time to Beat: 30-35 Hours

For a long time, American gamers had no way to play Final Fantasy III outside of emulation. We got the (admittedly far-superior) Final Fantasy VI as our version of FFIII, and that was that. As for the original FFIII... despite two decades passing since the original version hit Japanese store shelves, this Famicom classic never got a direct translation from Squaresoft until the mid-00s.

Final Fantasy III for the DS brought the game to the English-speaking audience with adjusted difficulty, semi-three-dimensional graphics, and dialogue/story that barely existed in the original game. Now, years later, we get the third iteration of the game. This is a port of the DS version, upgraded significantly for modern smartphones. These upgrades include modern hi-res graphics that are far superior to the DS version, remixed music, and new postgame content. However, it's relegated to being on cell phones - historically speaking, not exactly a good gaming platform. Does this limit it, or does the game manage to shine regardless? Read on, as I review a cell phone game for the first time on the site. The game also exists on the PSP, but for the purposes of this review I played the Android version.

50 Cent Bulletproof (Playstation 2, 2005)

Since I'd like to play at least some of a 50 Cent game, and want to be able to take screenshots, I decided to try emulating the PS2 50 game. Follow me as I test this ominous 5 GB file out. This is 50. G-G-G-G-U-NIT!

Highlander: The Series 1x07 - Mountain Men

Time for the most entertaining episode in the first half of Season 1. This is partly for the wrong reasons, and this episode isn't exactly great, but My God, is it unintentionally funny at times. It's Deliverance-like in theme. A few episodes back, Richie made a crack about Deliverance, saying that "if somebody starts playing a banjo, I'm outta here". It's obvious that someone on the writing staff liked that movie and wanted to bring some much-needed Deliverance to our favorite series.

Highlander: The Series 1x06 - Bad Day in Building A

Highlander Season 1 rolls on with the infamous Die Hard episode. There's no evil immortal in this episode, and it, again, isn't that great. Plus, it lacks Bruce Willis.

Highlander: The Series 1x05 - Free Fall

This show and Miami Vice have some episode title overlap, weirdly enough. Free Fall and Prodigal Son - both Miami Vice titles. Deliverance / Deliver Us From Evil - both episode titles from their respective "evil main character" arcs. Wonder if they shared writing staff. Wouldn't be a bit surprised, since this show started right after Vice's end and all those writers needed a place to go.

This episode... is not good.

Highlander: The Series 1x04 - Innocent Man

I continue the show's weird first season with some small town blues, as Duncan battles an evil sheriff.

Suikogaiden (Playstation, 2000)

Today I'm looking at a very special game. It's an effort on my part to get my mind off of the disintegration of the Boston Celtics after trading their two best players to the Brooklyn Nets.

This is a DLC-like side-story / companion piece to Suikoden 2, one of the best RPGs on the original Playstation. It takes place during the timeframe of that game, showing you some of the things that happened off-camera. This game was never released in the United States, but it recently got a translation from intrepid ROM hackers. Let's take a look.

Revengeance: Samurai Warriors 2 and Mega Man 1's Rock Monster

Today I'm revisiting a couple of games that I played recently, as I put right what once went wrong and try to finish something that I couldn't before. One is the last stage of Samurai Warriors 2, the other is the Rock Monster / Yellow Devil / Pillsbury Doughboy of the first Mega Man. Can I overcome these obstacles?

Game Review: Bioshock 2 (Playstation 3, XBox 360, PC, 2010)

Publisher: 2K Games

Developer: 2K Games

Time to Complete: 10-12 hours

The sequel to Bioshock delivers more of the same Rapture that we know and love, putting a new spin on the post-apocalyptic hellscape.

Highlander: The Series 1x03 - Road Not Taken

Highlander continues with an episode that shows a bit of Duncan's past in China. He also battles a nefarious herbalist in the present. Good stuff.

Highlander: The Series 1x02 - Family Tree

The Highlander series returns as I cover another episode. In this one, Duncan beats people up with a pool cue and Richie learns about his lack of family. Not sure why, but Season 1 of this show has this weird fear of two-parters. The pilot episode should have been a two-parter (and I feel like it was supposed to be). Can say the same about "Band of Brothers" - the high point of the season - and possibly the finale episode as well. But since "The Gathering" didn't get the two-parter status it deserved, we get this for a second episode. It's a good episode, but it's... different.

Star Trek: The Next Generation Movies (Part 2)

My bullet point perspective look at the Next Generation movies concludes with the last two.

Star Trek: The Next Generation Movies

Today and tomorrow I'm taking a look back at the four movies based on Star Trek: The Next Generation. These movies were, for the most part, fairly decent. However, they seem to be a bit forgotten since they came during the post-TNG black hole of interest in the Trek franchise.

Since I'll be talking about Star Trek - and constantly referencing things like ship classes - I advise non-dweebs, nerds, or dorks to turn back now. However, if you do that, know that pussies who don't give Star Trek a chance are just doing themselves a disservice. Dweeb with me.

Tomb Raider (Playstation 3, 2013)

 

THIS GAME concludes the Three Decade Project with a bang. It's a reboot / origin story, modernized and better-ified from the old games in every possible way. Here's Lara Croft, our protagonist, looking sexier than she has ever looked before. This is probably because, for once, the developers weren't going over the top. ...so to speak.

This wasn't going to be the 2013 game, but it was recommended to me so I decided to give it a whirl. It was a good call. As the most visually impressive game on the list, it was a good choice to end the Project; you can really see how graphics have evolved since 1983.

I wasn't too big on the old Tomb Raider games; their gunplay and platforming just lacked appeal in a world that also contained Mario 64. The protagonist wasn't particularly compelling either, with her comical boobs. However, this reboot has little in common with the old games, reinventing the protagonist as well as the style of the gameplay. Join me as I play through, mostly avoiding spoilers (except for the early-game, which I'll cover), and giving my thoughts on this franchise-resurrecting game.

Kirby's Return to Dream Land (Wii, 2011)

 Behold! That's one sweet title screen. The graphics are borderline high-def with their intense colorfulness. 

It's currently the 20th anniversary of the first video game I ever owned...Kirby's Dream Land. It's only fitting that for the next degenerate post, I'm looking at the latest Kirby game. People think that Kirby games are for babies, but if that were true, there would be more z's in the titles. This game, for instance, would be Kirbyz: Return to Dream Landz featuring Mary-Kate and Ashley.

The truth is, Kirby is tough as nails. A tatted-up Kirby once made BOTH of the Bad Dudes his bitch while in prison. He has been a bouncer at some of New York City's roughest clubs. He also temporarily worked as a breast implant for Stephanie McMahon, showing his versatility. But like an extreme/hardcore/"x-treme" indy wrestler joining WWE, Kirby had to tone down his in-your-face persona before becoming a Nintendo mascot.

Assassin's Creed 2 (Playstation 3, 2009)

And now we arrive at what has to be the best game in the entirety of this Three Decade Project. Yeah, that's right. I can say with a lot of confidence that out of a list that includes Mario 64, Metal Gear Solid, and other great games of their eras, this is the highest point. It isn't for everyone, and it isn't perfect, but it is incredibly well-done and short enough that it ends before any of the flaws have time to show themselves. This is probably why people didn't start noticing the flaws until the two (very, very similar) sequels. Well played, Ubisoft.

Metal Gear Solid 4 (Playstation 3, 2008)

For 2008 I'm looking at one of the biggest PS3 exclusives out there. The graphical leap between this game and the last few I looked at is humongous, and this game shows off the power of the PS3 better than most modern games do. It also features the infamous Solid Snake, who I suspect smokes marijuana cigarettes. Reefers.

Warriors Orochi (Playstation 2, 2007)

Finding a good game to play for 2007 was tough. Really tough. My first thought was Bioshock, which I've already played, 100%'d, and don't really have any reason to play again. Once I decided to go for something else, I looked to Super Paper Mario... but it isn't great and I have no real desire to play through all of it. Aside from that, I discovered that my choices were nearly nonexistent when it comes to good games, as 2007's short-enough-to-play games ranged from Petz Catz to Petz Babyz. Why do all of these titles end with a z? Just when I was about to give in and fire up Teletubbiez Extreme, I noticed a game at the end of the release list for the year that piqued my interest. This is Warriors Orochi, which combines Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors in a Marvel Team-Up for the ages. Yeah it makes no sense, but they do blend well and it's way cooler than Alien Vs Predator. Void where prohibited.

Samurai Warriors 2 (Playstation 2, 2006)

 Samurai Warriors and I go way back. In 2008 or so I played the first game in the series and enjoyed the hell out of it. This is basically the Japanese version of Dynasty Warriors, featuring mythical Japanese characters instead of Three Kingdoms era Chinese characters. All things considered, I prefer Samurai Warriors a bit because the soundtrack is more my liking (less anachronistic rock and roll, more atmospheric stuff). I was excited to finally get around to the second Samurai Warriors, but I couldn't have foreseen the abysmal black hole that awaited as I progressed in the game. Read on.

Metroid Prime Pinball (Nintendo DS, 2005)

For 2005 I'm going to look at a DS game for the first time on the site. This is the last Metroid game that I haven't written about for the site, so why not? I'll start by telling you something mind-blowing: Metroid Prime Pinball exists. This is like having a game called Dragonball Z Tender Girl Pleasuring.