Star Trek: The Next Generation Movies

Today and tomorrow I'm taking a look back at the four movies based on Star Trek: The Next Generation. These movies were, for the most part, fairly decent. However, they seem to be a bit forgotten since they came during the post-TNG black hole of interest in the Trek franchise.

Since I'll be talking about Star Trek - and constantly referencing things like ship classes - I advise non-dweebs, nerds, or dorks to turn back now. However, if you do that, know that pussies who don't give Star Trek a chance are just doing themselves a disservice. Dweeb with me.

Tomb Raider (Playstation 3, 2013)

 

THIS GAME concludes the Three Decade Project with a bang. It's a reboot / origin story, modernized and better-ified from the old games in every possible way. Here's Lara Croft, our protagonist, looking sexier than she has ever looked before. This is probably because, for once, the developers weren't going over the top. ...so to speak.

This wasn't going to be the 2013 game, but it was recommended to me so I decided to give it a whirl. It was a good call. As the most visually impressive game on the list, it was a good choice to end the Project; you can really see how graphics have evolved since 1983.

I wasn't too big on the old Tomb Raider games; their gunplay and platforming just lacked appeal in a world that also contained Mario 64. The protagonist wasn't particularly compelling either, with her comical boobs. However, this reboot has little in common with the old games, reinventing the protagonist as well as the style of the gameplay. Join me as I play through, mostly avoiding spoilers (except for the early-game, which I'll cover), and giving my thoughts on this franchise-resurrecting game.

Kirby's Return to Dream Land (Wii, 2011)

 Behold! That's one sweet title screen. The graphics are borderline high-def with their intense colorfulness. 

It's currently the 20th anniversary of the first video game I ever owned...Kirby's Dream Land. It's only fitting that for the next degenerate post, I'm looking at the latest Kirby game. People think that Kirby games are for babies, but if that were true, there would be more z's in the titles. This game, for instance, would be Kirbyz: Return to Dream Landz featuring Mary-Kate and Ashley.

The truth is, Kirby is tough as nails. A tatted-up Kirby once made BOTH of the Bad Dudes his bitch while in prison. He has been a bouncer at some of New York City's roughest clubs. He also temporarily worked as a breast implant for Stephanie McMahon, showing his versatility. But like an extreme/hardcore/"x-treme" indy wrestler joining WWE, Kirby had to tone down his in-your-face persona before becoming a Nintendo mascot.

Assassin's Creed 2 (Playstation 3, 2009)

And now we arrive at what has to be the best game in the entirety of this Three Decade Project. Yeah, that's right. I can say with a lot of confidence that out of a list that includes Mario 64, Metal Gear Solid, and other great games of their eras, this is the highest point. It isn't for everyone, and it isn't perfect, but it is incredibly well-done and short enough that it ends before any of the flaws have time to show themselves. This is probably why people didn't start noticing the flaws until the two (very, very similar) sequels. Well played, Ubisoft.

Metal Gear Solid 4 (Playstation 3, 2008)

For 2008 I'm looking at one of the biggest PS3 exclusives out there. The graphical leap between this game and the last few I looked at is humongous, and this game shows off the power of the PS3 better than most modern games do. It also features the infamous Solid Snake, who I suspect smokes marijuana cigarettes. Reefers.

Warriors Orochi (Playstation 2, 2007)

Finding a good game to play for 2007 was tough. Really tough. My first thought was Bioshock, which I've already played, 100%'d, and don't really have any reason to play again. Once I decided to go for something else, I looked to Super Paper Mario... but it isn't great and I have no real desire to play through all of it. Aside from that, I discovered that my choices were nearly nonexistent when it comes to good games, as 2007's short-enough-to-play games ranged from Petz Catz to Petz Babyz. Why do all of these titles end with a z? Just when I was about to give in and fire up Teletubbiez Extreme, I noticed a game at the end of the release list for the year that piqued my interest. This is Warriors Orochi, which combines Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors in a Marvel Team-Up for the ages. Yeah it makes no sense, but they do blend well and it's way cooler than Alien Vs Predator. Void where prohibited.

Samurai Warriors 2 (Playstation 2, 2006)

 Samurai Warriors and I go way back. In 2008 or so I played the first game in the series and enjoyed the hell out of it. This is basically the Japanese version of Dynasty Warriors, featuring mythical Japanese characters instead of Three Kingdoms era Chinese characters. All things considered, I prefer Samurai Warriors a bit because the soundtrack is more my liking (less anachronistic rock and roll, more atmospheric stuff). I was excited to finally get around to the second Samurai Warriors, but I couldn't have foreseen the abysmal black hole that awaited as I progressed in the game. Read on.

Metroid Prime Pinball (Nintendo DS, 2005)

For 2005 I'm going to look at a DS game for the first time on the site. This is the last Metroid game that I haven't written about for the site, so why not? I'll start by telling you something mind-blowing: Metroid Prime Pinball exists. This is like having a game called Dragonball Z Tender Girl Pleasuring.

Fable (XBox, 2004)

 

  The Three Decade Project returns with a game I have never played before until now. And on that note, the XBox clock is wrong, so the game says it's 2001 every time I save. Yeah, I wish. It's pretty funny to load up a game with "2004" on the title screen and have the save file say it was last played in "2001" on it a second later.

Highlander: The Series 1x01 - The Gathering

I'll be doing some Highlander episode reviews on the site. This was a cult show that didn't achieve anywhere near the notoriety that it probably should have, though it ran for six seasons and definitely had a niche. It has gained new life with DVD releases and Netflix over the past seven years, and chances are more people know about it now than knew about it when it was airing. It's a show I grew up with, and if you remember it too, you'll probably enjoy these posts.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (Playstation 2, 2003)

2003 was the year of the U.S. invading the Middle East. It was also the year of Prince of Persia, a game that didn't sell well in Alabama, nor did it ever sell as well as Call of Duty anywhere. Time to play it. Major story spoilers in this one.

Metroid Prime (Gamecube, 2002)

Considering that the Metroid series is one of my favorite of all time, it's crazy that it took me this long to include one in The Three Decade Project. A lot of that has to do with how I already did posts for most of the games in the series; however, I never did one for Prime, and it slides nicely right into the 2002 block. While I do in some ways prefer their darker follow-ups, Prime 2 and Fusion, I feel like Prime is tied with Super Metroid for the title of "best game in the series". That's some tall praise right there.

Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards (Nintendo 64, 2000)

Previously on The Three Decade Project, I talked about Ehrgeiz for the Playstation. Ehrgeiz is a game that hits close to home for many internet tough guys and keyboard warriors. This is because in addition to having had sex with a multitude of models, the average internet tough guy already has his hands registered as lethal weapons.

Now, we send it back over to the Nintendo 64. While the Playstation had adult fare like Metal Gear Solid, the N64 was now cornering the kids market. With "play it loud" out the window, Nintendo's new M.O. consisted of having no RPGs or games that appealed to grown-ups, instead relying on trotting out the same superstar franchises of the past to keep fans happy. It was just like modern WWE.

Ehrgeiz (Playstation, 1999)

1999 was a big year. People partied like it was, well, 1999. It was Bill Clinton's last full year of being president, most of which he spent battling impeachment charges over whether or not he lied about having sex. While many men lie about having sex, it is a rare thing indeed for a guy to lie about not having sex. But I digress. In the game world, the Sony Playstation was in a roll, riding a momentum wave that was driven partly by Squaresoft putting out the same kind of quality games that had been a huge boon to the Super NES years prior. Meanwhile, over on the other side... the Nintendo 64 existed, and was riding high with...uh... Ocarina of Time and Other.

Ehrgeiz is one of Square's better Playstation efforts. It isn't an RPG (well...mostly) but rather a fighting game. Square has always flirted a bit with the fighting genre, releasing Tobal No. 1 and Bushido Blade prior to this. However, I'd argue that Ehrgeiz was their best run at it for a long time.

Metal Gear Solid (Playstation, 1998)

Get ready, because 1998's game is one of the most iconic of all time. A year earlier, Final Fantasy VII steered the N64/Playstation war toward a Sony win. That game single-handedly drew the massive RPG fanbase - which Nintendo at one time had a lock on - away from the N64. Sony managed to keep them there by, you know, having RPGs (something the N64, for the most part, did not). Nintendo fired back with the awesome Ocarina of Time, but Sony was ready and countered its holiday release with Metal Gear Solid. Nintendo had finally met its match, it seemed.

Star Fox 64 (Nintendo 64, 1997)

This is quite the evolution of the shooter genre. Say what you will about Nintendo, but they're the masters of having first-party franchises that people really care about... even if that isn't as much the case in the modern era. For the N64, all they had to do was bring back beloved SNES franchises, add a 64 to the end of the title, and they had a guaranteed hit. This is one of the more shining examples of this practice; Star Fox 64 is a fine game.

Super Mario 64 (Nintendo 64, 1996)

SUPERRRR MARIO 64.

Yoshi's Island (Super NES, 1995)

Nintendo was in an interesting position in 1995. With the Sega Genesis more or less vanquished, Nintendo could have easily phoned things in that year... However, they were faced with new threats in the form of the Sega Saturn and the Sony Playstation. These spiffy new 32-bit systems threatened to make the Super NES look old and outdated. With the N64 a year away, Nintendo had to do something to keep their fans from jumping ship and spending their money on the competition - something plenty of them did regardless. They did their best to stave off the enemy at the gates by continuing their parade of high-quality games throughout 1995, with titles like Chrono Trigger, Donkey Kong Country 2, and this one... the aptly-named Yoshi's Island.

Donkey Kong Country (Super NES, 1994)

And now... Advanced Computer Modeling! Silicon Graphics! Ultra 64! Nintendo Power! The Treehouse! Rare! 32 Megabits! One of the greatest soundtracks in gaming history! Magical times for all! This game was originally supposed to be for the Nintendo Ultra 64 Ultra 64 Nintendo 64, but they managed to transform it into an SNES game for the ages.

Aladdin (Sega Genesis, 1993)

For 1993 I'm reviewing a game that existed on both the Genesis and the SNES. You'd think that this is one of those cases where Sega... does what Ninten-does. However, it was an entirely different game on each system. While the SNES version has Aladdin jumping on the heads of enemies to defeat them ("plzdon'tsue" said Nintendo to parents), the Genesis version has Aladdin slicing foes up with a scimitar. Bad-ass!