True Lies (SNES)

He Will Grope You.

True Lies, for the Super Nintendo, is one of the lamer movie-based games of the 1990's. However, it has a special place in my heart. You see, this is the only SNES game I ever owned as a kid that I never actually finished back then. It was just too difficult, and too...bad. Luckily, emulators exist, so I was able to revisit this as an adult. Armed with adult patience (but lacking kid-reflexes), could I defeat this great bear from my youth? Join me, as I Legends of the Fall this thing.

Power Blade 2 (NES)

This is the most attention anyone has paid to Power Blade in the last twenty years

The sequel to one of the NES's greatest and most under-looked games, Power Blade 2 is... painfully average. By 1992, the NES had been largely replaced by the SNES, and the few new NES games tended to be subpar and forgotten. Why they didn't just do a Super Power Blade on the SNES is beyond me, but instead we got this. That said... it ain't bad.

Love Hina Games

Love Hina is a Japanese TV show best known for having a male lead who gets victimized regularly for no apparent reason by the women on the show. In other words, Love Hina is atrociously bad. At least, we can presume that much. I don't watch the damn thing. The problem is, they made games based on this infernal show. Women don't play video games, so I'm not sure how the publishers expected to sell any copies. I sat down and spent a few minutes with a pair of these non-gems, which were never released outside of Japan. The results are... unpleasant.

The 212

Following on the heels of my last post, here are some more shots of Manhattan. I took all of these, and hopefully they're enjoyed.

Ghosts

A little something I wrote last year.

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II

99th post, ladies and gentlemen

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II
2011
Directed by David Yates
Written by J.K. Rowling
Starring Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert "Sexual Carrot Cake" Grint
Rated PG-13

The eighth and final installment of the storied Harry Potter movie series brings the storied franchise down to new levels of uninhibited sexual depravity of the kind normally only seen at college parties in Ancient Rome, obscene vulgarity that would make Quentin Tarantino's mouth blush, and graphic violence that would give pause to Eli Roth. Nothing that I just said is true, but this movie does feature the word "bitch"... and to some people, that's equal to all of the above in badness. If you aren't one of those people, you may already like this movie, so read on. Fortunately for us, the Republicans haven't found a way to ban Harry Potter for having "pot" in his name. Yet.

The Xenoverse Awards

In space, everyone can hear Shion Uzuki's footsteps

The main game-related project I did this year was play through the Xenosaga series and Xenogears. No Xenoblade yet, but it has no connection thematically to the Xenoverse works so it isn't relevant for this particular post. Besides, if what I've heard about it is true, it'd sweep the awards if it were included.

Xenosaga is a re-imagining loosely based on the origin story of Xenogears, and if you like either game/series, the other is worth playing. Here I'll be doling out awards to the four games that transpire in this Xenoverse. Some assembly required, some restrictions apply. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. Act now and we'll include a free custom gourmet genuine imitation Miang nipple.

The 2011 Year In Review

2011. It was an alright year. Well, the last sixth of it was pretty interesting. Let's look at the year in media as I experienced it.

Power Blade (NES, 1991)

 

Today I'm going to look at a game that was prominently featured in the first Nintendo Power I ever read: Power Blade. Might have been the first game I ever wanted to play. Back in July 2008, I finally got a chance to play this game, after all those years. I took some screen shots and saved them up to unleash upon the world like a plague of locusts. Now, the time has come.

Movie Review: Avatar

Avatar

Directed by James Cameron

Starring Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigorney Weaver, Stephen Lang

Rated PG-13 for epic battle sequences and warfare

Avatar was released two years ago. Why review it now, or at all? Because it turned out to be a game-changer in the movie genre; it isn't hyperbole to say that this is one of the most significant movies of the past ten years. As far as cultural impact goes, this ranks up there with other influential and often-emulated sci-fi fare like The Matrix and Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and may even surpass them on some level. On the other hand, the movie has been out long enough and been seen by enough people that the need for a review is almost nil. While this is technically a review of sorts, consider it more my thoughts and musings on the highest-grossing movie of all time and on James Cameron's work in general.

Movie Review: The Thing (2011)

The Thing
2011
Directed by Matthijs van Heijningen
Starring Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton
Rated R

For Halloween, I'm checking in with a movie review. The prequel - not sequel, not remake - to the 1982 John Carpenter movie of the same name, The Thing has some big shoes to fill. The Carpenter movie was easily one of the scariest movies ever made. It was (and by extension, this was) based on a 1938 short novel called "Who Goes There?" by John Campbell. Not the 50's movie The Thing From Another World, as is commonly believed. We get all that? Good.

Bebe's Kids: The Worst SNES Game Ever

This may be the worst game I've ever played. Much has been written about this game on the internet already, but most of it only pertained to the first two levels, since very few people have ever had the steel balls necessary to forge onward past that. Luckily, I DO have steel balls, and the clanking that they make during sex is what will ruin all three of my future marriages. Thus, I went so far as to actually beat the game, stopping only occasionally to check the walls of my soundproof, padded room for an escape. I'll be covering the entirety of Bebe's Kids in this post, something that, to my knowledge, has never been done this way on the internet. And if someone has done this, let me know so I can ask them how they keep their steel balls from clanking during sex.

Game Review: Final Fantasy XIII

 Paradigm Shift

Playstation 3, XBox 360, 2010

Publisher: Square Enix

Developer: Square Enix

Time to Complete: 35-75 hours

It has been nearly two months since my last post on here... for this, I blame last week's hurricane. To the joy of millions of the elderly, this post-less span now ends with a look at Final Fantasy XIII. There was a sizable - years long - gap between the twelfth Final Fantasy and the thirteenth, so in a way ending my temporary hiatus from posting with this game is fitting. A paradigm shift in the Final Fantasy series that eshews many of the conventions that have defined it over the years, FFXIII is a game that RPG fans definitely have a love/hate relationship with. Having just finished it, what are my (as objective as I can) impressions of this divisive game? Read on.

Movie Review: Toy Story 3

Reprinted from MIT's The Tech - http://tech.mit.edu/

I originally wrote this nearly a year ago.

Toy Story 3
2010
Directed by Lee Unkrich
Starring Tom Hanks, Tim Allen
Rated G

The culmination of a series that may well be Pixar’s magnum opus, Toy Story 3 is hands-down one of the best movies of the year. 

Game Review: Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core

Crisis Core

Epitaph for a Hero


PSP, 2008

Publisher: Square Enix

Developer: Square Enix

Time to Complete: 15-25 hours

Crisis Core is the oft-maligned prequel to Final Fantasy VII, one of the most beloved games of all time. Released ten years after FF7 and transpiring several years before FF7, this game stars FF7 bit-player Zack Fair. A high ranking member of SOLDIER with a doomed destiny, Zack is a real hero here; he is a selfless and kind character who stands as a stark contrast to FF7's far less likable Cloud Strife. On that note - Why is "SOLDIER" all caps? Is it an acronym? Sadly, even after playing this game I don't have an answer.

FF7 has achieved legendary status in the history of video games. It was an epic story that followed an intrepid band as they set out to save the world, stopping only occasionally to milk Tifa.

Does this game measure up? Read on to find out.

Dragonball Z Movie Thoughts (Ft. Brayniac)

Time for a look at the Dragonball Z movie series... and by that, I mean the 13 movies that seemed to, weirdly enough, take place concurrently to the series without being a part of the series. Things happen in these movies that are never referenced in the series and aren't actually possible within the series timeline (with a couple of exceptions). They're still a potentially fun watch, however.

For this look at the DBZ movies I'll be joined by longtime buddy and frequent commenter Brayniac, who will bring an older perspective to the proceedings to counteract my childish rantings. We'll be grading each movie on a scale of 1 to 10 Raditz, with 10 Raditz being the best a DBZ movie can be (but as fans of DBZ Abridged know, it's still inferior to Vegeta). Keep in mind that this isn't my normal ratings scale. A 10 here doesn't equal a normal Perfect 10. It just means it's a 10...for a DBZ movie. As good as it can be expected to be.

Thoughts on Dragonball GT

I recently finished watching the entire series... all 64 episodes of it. As a fan of the awesome Dragonball Z, I wanted to check out the "sequel" that got so critically panned by Everyone Who Ever Watched It. I did, with an open mind and a legitimate desire to enjoy it. The show made it pretty difficult for me, though. Here are some of my thoughts as I went along, mostly stream-of-consciousness. Tons of spoilers, if that matters.

Game Review: Donkey Kong Country Returns

Donkey Kong Country Returns

I don't know if you've heard, but Donkey Kong Country has returned.


Wii, 2010

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Retro Studios / Nintendo

Time to Complete: 8-10 hours

Developed by Retro Studios, Donkey Kong Country Returns is Nintendo's attempt to re-ignite one of their signature franchises from the 90's. Similarly to Metroid: Other M, this game is a follow-up of sorts to the SNES age. So does it recapture the magic of the DKC series, or is it a mediocre game where Donkey Kong doesn't jump until he's given the okay from his commanding officer? Find out inside. Also, there will be naked Candy Kong. That'll bring in the ratings!

Game Review: The Mega Man X Series, Part III

The final three installments in the Mega Man X series are a definite departure from the previous six. They enter the realm of 3D and introduce a number of new characters. After the mess that was Mega Man X6, would the series bounce back with the last few installments? Read on to find out.

Secret of Evermore #7 - Metropolis

I used to think the central control area of Evermore was pretty menacing... and then I played Bioshock.

Now that game has a menacing central control area. I don't know if any other game has ever given me such a sense of impending doom.

In other news, now that Hot Dog is a toaster, he doesn't have to worry so much about getting the munchies. After he tokes up, he can just fix himself some toast.

Regardless, PREPARE YOURSELF for the finale of Evermore. Will Hulkster get back to Podunk? Will his dog overdose on pot? Will the final boss be an enormous, wildly vibrating metal penis? There's only one way to find out.