Game Review: Donkey Kong Country Returns

Donkey Kong Country Returns

I don't know if you've heard, but Donkey Kong Country has returned.


Wii, 2010

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Retro Studios / Nintendo

Time to Complete: 8-10 hours

Developed by Retro Studios, Donkey Kong Country Returns is Nintendo's attempt to re-ignite one of their signature franchises from the 90's. Similarly to Metroid: Other M, this game is a follow-up of sorts to the SNES age. So does it recapture the magic of the DKC series, or is it a mediocre game where Donkey Kong doesn't jump until he's given the okay from his commanding officer? Find out inside. Also, there will be naked Candy Kong. That'll bring in the ratings!

Game Review: The Mega Man X Series, Part III

The final three installments in the Mega Man X series are a definite departure from the previous six. They enter the realm of 3D and introduce a number of new characters. After the mess that was Mega Man X6, would the series bounce back with the last few installments? Read on to find out.

Secret of Evermore #7 - Metropolis

I used to think the central control area of Evermore was pretty menacing... and then I played Bioshock.

Now that game has a menacing central control area. I don't know if any other game has ever given me such a sense of impending doom.

In other news, now that Hot Dog is a toaster, he doesn't have to worry so much about getting the munchies. After he tokes up, he can just fix himself some toast.

Regardless, PREPARE YOURSELF for the finale of Evermore. Will Hulkster get back to Podunk? Will his dog overdose on pot? Will the final boss be an enormous, wildly vibrating metal penis? There's only one way to find out.

Secret of Evermore #6 - Ascent

The bridge to Ebon Keep has finally been fixed, which eliminates the need to go through the Dark Forest again. This is called "making sure the game has any fans left".

I may have lost Nathan's Hot Dogs sponsorship due to my ties to the Yakuza, and I may no longer be allowed to drink while writing, but this should turn out well.

Secret of Evermore #5 - Ruins

 

This dude gives our hero some advice. Unfortunately, Hulkster is not a rapper, so he is not packing the heat.

The Top Eight 24 Seasons (ft. Nick Vogt)

That's right, I'm going to list the Top Eight 24 Seasons. It's one of the greatest shows of the 2000's, though even fans like me have to admit that the seasons were hit-and-miss. Adding his thoughts to the fray for some of the seasons will be Nick Vogt, Hip-Hop God and all-around champion.

And now, the Top Eight 24 Seasons (Out of Eight). Caution: Spoilers Abound.

A Final Fantasy X-2 Tale

Wow, has it really been ten days since the last time I updated this blog? I've been pretty busy rocking the world's face. Soon I'll be finishing Secret of Evermore (for the ten people who read those) and posting a very belated Avatar review that will probably be read by exponentially more people. Among other good things. I return today with a tale. Not my usual substantial post. Just a tale.

Movie Review: Black Swan

Black Swan

My shadow's...shedding skin

Directed by Darren Aronofsky

Starring Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Vincent Cassel

Rated R for strong sexual content, drug use, disturbing imagery, dangerous levels of Mila Kunis sassiness

Darren Aronofsky is a director who seems to love to explore the dark side of human nature. And there's a whole lot of that to explore. Humans are dark, dark creatures. Every malignant storyline, villain, monster, and atrocious real-world act in our recorded history was the creation of human beings. It's easy for us to pawn off our dark side on the orcs and demons of our creation in stories, and on some deeper level it probably makes us feel better about ourselves. Countless video games have a villain who turns out to be under mind control by a demon; often they even turn out to be a demon themselves. We need to absolve ourselves of blame whenever possible, and any game directed at children will likely have a really hard time letting actual people be villains. This is why I have particularly high respect for Final Fantasy VI allowing Kefka to be just a really, really evil man. Because in the real world, the buck stops with us whether we like it or not.

Secret of Evermore #4 - Green Fields of Harmonium

In the latest installment of Secret of Evermore, our heroes leap down waterfalls and cross lots of fields. Out of the seven Evermore chapters, this is the last one that I'm naming after a place in my vicinity. It's named after Boston Common which is both fieldy and harmonius. Unfortunately the last three chapters won't be posted until later in the month... got a lot going on right now.

Secret of Evermore #3 - Halls of Antiquity

In the third chapter of Evermore, it's anarchy in the UK as the heroic Hulkster traverses the wonders of this mysterious, ancient world.

Game Review: The Mega Man X Series, Part II

Part two of my look at the illustrious Mega Man X series will cover games 4 through 6. This trio took the series in a bit of a different, more modern (for their time) direction. Zero is playable and the games take on a distinct anime look for these three. A darker atmosphere and more badass demeanor in general sets these games apart from the first three in the series. Join me for a look back at these great relics from the Playstation era.

Game Review: Metroid: Other M

Metroid: Other M

Spero Meliora

Wii, 2010

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Project M / Team Ninja

Time to Complete: 7-9 hours

Ah, Metroid Other M. Here's an interesting one. Released in August 2010, this is the only third-person Metroid game on a console since Super Metroid... which, for those counting, was in 1994. That's sixteen years. Which means the gap between Super Metroid and its console follow-up is so old that it could legally have sex in a large number of states. I had high hopes for this game going in. Did it meet my hopes, or was it an unmitigated disaster the likes of which hasn't been seen since the invention of fetus catapults? The answer...is somewhere in between.

Secret of Evermore #2 - Noble's Causeway

Our hero wraps up Prehistoria and heads into Antiqua as Evermore rolls onward. This time, the cryptic title is referring to any one of the major highways that beam straight into the heart of a major city, making trade and commerce more possible on our modern scale and making our attempts at nobility somewhat feasible.


That and Nobilia is one of the coolest locations I've ever seen in a game. What a great idea. I think of the things Evermore brought to the RPG table in the mid-90's, a city of trade was perhaps the idea that was most ahead of its time.

Secret of Evermore #1 - Auburn Mountain

Secret of Evermore was a game I was quite fond of as a kid. It followed in the footsteps of Squaresoft's fabled adventure game Secret of Mana by featuring similar game mechanics and a slightly deceptive title that probably tricked some people into thinking this was a sequel. In my view, Mana is a vastly superior game to Evermore, but Evermore is a lot of fun in its own right.

What I'm doing here is a seven-part series looking at Evermore. This isn't meant to be a review... no need to do that for such an old game. It's primarily meant for people who have played it before. Part one here is named after Mt. Auburn Street in Boston (well, technically Cambridge), a street that has a lot of sentimental value for me just like this game does.

Have at it. Rated T for Teen.

2010 Year In Review: The Top Ten Movies of 2010 That I Watched, Among Other Things

2010. A year I'm not all that fond of. Well, half of it was good. I could make it a year in review of my depressing and/or awesome personal life, but no one gives a damn. I'll just say this... The mind can make a heaven of hell, or a hell of heaven. Life doesn't suck, it's the perception that can suck. It really is what we make of it.

I was going to do a Top 10 Games of 2010 That I Finished list...

...then I realized I've only beaten three 2010 games in the calendar year. I may do game reviews and all that, but the fact is I am a few years behind on my games.

I can't very well do a Top 3 Games Of 2010 That I Finished list.


3. Metroid Other M
2. God of War 3
1. Super Mario Galaxy 2

...okay, I guess I can. But it makes more sense to do a movie list, given how much time I spent at the movies this year, reviewing things for various papers. So I'll do that, and talk about the year in entertainment. Things I liked this year, and whatnot. Let's go.

Game Review: The Mega Man X Series, Part I

The Mega Man X series includes some of my favorite action games of all time. I enjoy the original, non-X Mega Man series as well in its various incarnations, but for me, the X series at its best (well, the first two) can be even more fun. It's Mega Man on speed, with a faster pace, more abilities, and a badass edge to it. Over the holidays I'll be replaying these games for the first time in years, and as I play them I'm going to do some mini-reviews of each one. I'm certainly looking forward to replaying these games...well, some of them. Some not so much. It's a hit-or-miss series, and the reviews will reflect that.

With the mild amount of resurgent interest in the series, possibly due to Gamestop's re-issuing of the game, it seemed like a good time to do this. I'm starting with mini-reviews of Mega Man X1, X2, and X3...in later installments I'll cover the rest of the X series up to X8 and Command Mission. Since CM is a big - and more modern - game, expect it to get more of a full-sized review than the mini-reviews the rest are getting.

For the record, I'm playing these (well, the first six) on the Mega Man X Collection. That is, the Playstation 2 version...do not, I repeat DO NOT get the Gamecube version unless you want a vastly inferior control scheme and a severely bent penis.

And to the women out there, don't think you can get away with playing that version just because you don't have a penis. Matter of fact, without penis assistance, I wouldn't even attempt to play Mega Man X with an unwieldy Gamecube controller in the first place.

Game Review: Bioshock

Bioshock

"Fallen, fallen is Babylon"


Playstation 3 / XBox 360 / Pretty Much Every Computer Format, 2007

Publisher: 2K Games

Developer: Irrational Games

Time to Complete: 15-20 Hours

Some time soon, I'm going to get around to playing and reviewing Bioshock 2. Because of this, I thought it was a good time to review the first game, which I played not once, but twice over the past two years. I'm going to go right ahead and say it: Bioshock might be the best game of the past decade. Maybe. It's definitely on the shortlist, and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would give it that distinction. I'd give it Top 5 status for sure. It's so good that it's available on every major HD gaming platform possible, including the PS3, XBox 360, and -  as dweebs, geeks, nerds, and dorks of all stripes already know - computers.

What is Bioshock? A great first person shooter. Then again, calling it that is like calling Lebron James a "good basketball player". It goes way beyond the expected level of quality. Also, it's so much more than just an FPS. It's one part Resident Evil 4, one part Metroid Prime, one part Blade Runner. Add HD graphics, a heaping plate of modern political philosophy, and an incredibly unique setting, and you get Bioshock. Speaking of unique, somehow this game manages to be both futuristic AND retro with the location and storytelling. It flat-out makes me proud of the people who made it. The only way Bioshock could be better is if the whole game were Tina Fey wearing a burlesque outfit and playing an accordion while sitting atop the luckiest piano ever.

What the Thunder Said

This is a story that I wrote for one of my classes. It was the only opportunity I had all semester to do creative writing in school, so I pounced. An encounter between Shakespeare and Milton in a modern mental institution. Once I came up with this, I ran with it and didn't look back.

A little Silence of the Lambs, a little Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a little of Nolan's Joker, and more than a sprinkling of what I actually think.

Radical Dreamers (Super Famicom) - Pt 2

Get ready for the climactic PART 2 of the Radical Dreamers fun-fest. Our last episode culminated with Serge and company defeating the Mystical Gobbler Team, the Ginyu Force of Radical Dreamers. Now, they look for the Frozen Flame and finally meet the dastardly Lynx.

Here, I'll look at the remaining 33 and a third of the game.

See what I did just now?

Radical Dreamers (Super Famicom) - Pt 1

Time to take a look at a game that never got released outside of Japan. This game was released in 1996, and was, sort of, the sequel to Chrono Trigger. It is most certainly the predecessor to Chrono Cross... actually, it's far more of a predecessor to Chrono Cross than Chrono Trigger is. I don't know what's more wrong: that, or the fact that CT got this as a sequel.

That said...it isn't bad on its own.

Here it is. There are lots of people who insist that this game is neither a CT sequel nor a CC prequel, taking place in a separate but similar world. Really, who knows? Square didn't exactly take good care of the Chrono-verse after Trigger.