Soleil

50TH POST.

Time to take a look at the city I reside in. I took all of these pictures myself on my travels, in an effort to convey the city's cosmopolitan suavé.

If I can convey the magic and power of the place, then mission accomplished. It's a historical and majestic locale.

Hell, it's where one can find the nation's first subway AND the nation's first college.

One of the most interesting things about this city is that most of it sits atop a man-made island. Indeed, the original area of the city was much smaller, until the diligent people who lived here expanded it over the water.

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Spoiler Alert: Butter Beer is People

Directed by David Yates

Written by J.K Rowling

Starring Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert "The Fuck" Grint

Rated PG-13

The seventh and penultimate installment of the storied Harry Potter movie series is upon us. The decision was made to break the final book up into two different movies, a part one and part two, in an effort to flesh out the series finale as much as possible. Thus, the movie series will get an eighth installment, covering the rest of Deathly Hallows. This was apparently lost on a percentage of the people in the IMAX theater I watched this movie in, given how the end was greeted with a chorus of "wha? huh? where's the rest?" from a decent number of the fans in attendance. Most of these people likely then went back to watching Glenn Beck reruns and wondering if OJ ever found the real killers.

Highlander: The Source

Starring Rob Schneider.

Welp... Highlander is one of the cooler franchises of the past 25 years. We've got the iconic original movie. We've got the six-season Highlander: The Series which ended up being one of the cooler TV shows of the 90's... for a long time, it was my favorite show.

Aside from that...there were a bunch more Highlander movies. They run from decent to extremely, extremely awful. It's almost like entirely different people were behind each installment. The movies have little correlation and largely ignore each other. Considering the greatness of the original movie and the series, it makes little sense.

The fifth and final movie, The Source, was the worst, and that's what I'll be looking at today. Why would I write about something that totally put a franchise that I love into the grave? Because I have an idea. I WANTED to like this movie. Really, I wanted to give it a shot. And at first, the movie is pretty cool. So what I'm going to do here is look at the movie right up until it starts to suck. This should be good comic relief, and I need to lighten things up around here after all the serious postings lately.

The moment the movie completely stops being good...this post will self-destruct. Like a light going out. Because that's when this once-great franchise dies.

Let's go.

The Richest Man in Babylon

Things I Will Teach My Kids

I Am A Semi Transparent Eye

November seems to be Serious Month here, much like October was Halloween Month. Things will be getting less serious again in the near future, but lately I haven't been in the mood for putting out the usual Comedy Gold. I've been doing a lot of thinking over here, and life has been more stressful than usual. It happens. Time for a deep thought here.

Chosen (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Retrospective)

Some thoughts on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, mostly written upon finishing the last season:


Caution: Spoiler-riffic

Well, wow. What to say here. The seventh and final season was a step down from the previous seasons (namely, five and six). It wasn't bad or anything, but there were a lot of story elements I could have done without. There was also a lot of rushing, as if they had to get as much done as possible before the buzzer. Seemed like the characterization suffered from this throughout. Kind of the same issues I had with Serenity, actually. Also like Serenity, it's tough to see characters you care about die in the final battle.

I may have had some issues with the final season, but it picked up hugely in the last seven episodes. The last episode, "Chosen", was pretty amazing.

I'll get it out of the way right now... this may well be the best TV show I've ever watched. What starts out as a campy "highschoolers-fighting-demons" show quickly evolves into something incredibly thoughtful, insightful, and self-aware.

Originally the series was seven years long, but for me it took a lot less time to traverse. Join me for this trip down memory lane.

Demon's Crest (SNES)

Today I'm going to be looking at an old SNES game, Demon's Crest. It's actually the third game in the Gargoyle series, a forgotten little group of games by Capcom. I've never played the first two, but Demon's Crest is decent. This should be a fun little jaunt.

Demon's Crest. It sold about 1000 copies, so no one knew it existed.


UNTIL NOW.

Movie Review: Buried

Buried

Starring Ryan Reynolds

Directed by Rodrigo Cortes

Let's get this out of the way first - Buried is a disturbing, deeply uncomfortable film, and claustrophobic moviegoers in particular would do well to avoid it. The film stars Ryan Reynolds as Paul Conroy, an American truck-driver working for a company in Iraq. After an attack on his unarmed convoy by insurgents, he awakens to find himself trapped in a coffin; armed with a phone, a zippo lighter, and a knife, he frantically searches for a way to escape before it becomes his tomb.

Dark Autumn

It was a lean September here at the Corona Jumper, but things are about to change.

My favorite month of the year, October, is upon us. Here in the northeastern U.S., it's a month full of magic, wonder, and nostalgia... and the dread of winter being on its way, rushing in to turn the landscape into a frigid wasteland not unlike the nether-regions of Ann Coulter.

In order to celebrate October and its tradition of darkness, over the course of the month I'm going to undertake in a number of posts pertaining to dark things.

-A review of the upcoming movie "Buried"

-Image-blogs related to the Castlevania series

-A special, not-so-in-depth-yet-still-mildly-deep look at Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the groundbreaking Joss Whedon show - not the awful 90's movie or the upcoming awful movie brought to you by those strapping Kuzuis)

And possibly more. Stay tuned.

Redefinition

Here are new variations of my Scott Pilgrim and Expendables reviews, edited and elaborated on. These are the versions that I published in the newspaper. They're a bit different from the original versions that I posted, crisper and more well-written but lacking in some of the humor. I humbly request that, if you're reading this, let me know which versions of the articles you like more in the comments section of this post... this will help me in the future.

Game Review: Mega Man ZX Advent

Mega Man ZX Advent

There Is No Dana, Only Zuul


Nintendo DS, 2007

Publisher: Capcom

Developer: Inti Creates

Time to Complete: 3-8 hours

Mega Man ZX Advent is the hottest, sexiest game I've ever played. If this game were any sexier, it would consist entirely of me having a three-way with You and Your Clone. Who? You know who you are. This game is just that sexy. If this game had a human form, I would make love to it, and it would wake up the roommates, the neighbors, and the dead from the nearby Indian Burial Ground with the sheer noisiness. This game knows it, as the Mega Man series continues its dominance of the DS with this sexy-ass game. I legitimately want to spank Mega Man ZX Advent, and spank it good.

Game Review: Mega Man ZX

Mega Man ZX

Where Mega Men go to die


Nintendo DS, 2006

Publisher: Capcom

Developer: Inti Creates

Time to Complete: 3-8 hours

Mega Man ZX is the first semi-traditional Mega Man on the Nintendo DS. Following in the footsteps of Mega Man, Mega Man X, and Mega Man Zero, this is an action game through and through. Like the X series and Zero series, this is a fast-paced game with lots of dashing around and elemental-themed mecha-animal bosses. The problem is that the Mega Man X control setup and formula has gotten worse with every successive iteration, and at this point I don't think Capcom really knows what they're doing with it. Still, as someone who loves Mega Man games almost as much as most of my generation loves pretending they're tough because they sometimes watch UFC, I had to give it a try.

New Ratings System

From here on, I'm going to change my ratings system from a five-star scheme to a simple number system. Now, ratings will be on a scale of 0.0 to 10, with half point intervals.

In other words, 0.0, 0.5, 1.0, 1.5, 2.0, and so on. A 10 would be awarded to something completely amazing, while a 0.0 would be reserved for something unspeakably bad, something that I'm not sure even exists.

I'm going to use this system for game reviews, since it has more steps and thus allows more precise ratings. I considered keeping the star ratings for movie reviews since they end up having star ratings in the paper I sometimes write for, but I think for the purposes of this blog I'll have them use numbers as well.

The only downside is, no more Metroids, Mario stars, or Kratos heads. I'd go back and retroactively change the reviews I've done to the numeric ratings, but I think they might lose some charm. What do you think? Change them for consistency, or leave them for charm?

Movie Review: The Expendables

The Expendables
Needed more Zach Dietz

Directed by Sylvester Stallone


Starring... well, look up.


Rated R

One of the most highly anticipated movies of the summer, The Expendables is a collaboration, congregation, collection, and celebration of 80's and 90's action stars who have gathered in one place for one purpose: to make a movie so manly that, upon viewing the opening credits, every female in the theater becomes instantly pregnant. Why? Because it's the only way we'll have the manpower to defeat China.

Game Review: Metroid Prime Trilogy (Part 3: Metroid Prime 3)

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Reinventing the wheel


Wii, 2007 / 2009

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Retro Studios

Time to Complete: 9 to 13 hours first go

Note: This review covers the Metroid Prime Trilogy version of the game. Though as far as I can tell, it's the same as the regular version.

Brought to us once again by the sexual dynamos at Retro Studios, Metroid Prime 3 is the culmination of the Metroid Prime saga, as well as the first of the three to begin its existence on the Wii console. Is it any good? Find out inside. There will be both punch and pie. Rated T for Teen.

Movie Review: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

The most fun you'll have in a theater with your pants on 

Directed by Edgar Wright

Starring Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Rated PG-13


Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World is the kind of movie that any given person will either love or hate. People who are into manga and video games will have a lot of fun with this movie. However, people who have no connection to those worlds will likely find the movie to be silly and nonsensical. That said, as far as gaming-related movies go, this blows The Wizard out of the water.

Game Review: Metroid Prime Trilogy (Part 2: Metroid Prime 2)

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

Primeval


Gamecube, 2004 / Wii, 2009

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Retro Studios

Time to Complete: 10 to 15 hours first go

Note: This review covers the Metroid Prime Trilogy version of the game.

Metroid Prime 2 is a somewhat divisive game. Some people swear by it, while others think of it as the black sheep of the trilogy. I have heard it compared to Majora's Mask in that regard. Does it deserve the comparison? In a way, yes. It's much darker than its predecessor and it has a central hub area that the other areas branch off of. The similarities end there, though. It's a bit different, yes, but this game is largely misunderstood and doesn't deserve the black sheep status. Kind of like the teenagers, with their loud "Gaga Lady" music and their not getting off of my lawn.

Game Review: Metroid Prime Trilogy (Part 1: Metroid Prime)

Metroid Prime

It's like prime rib


Gamecube, 2002 / Wii, 2009

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Retro Studios

Time to Complete: 7 to 12 hours first go

Note: This review covers the Metroid Prime Trilogy version of the game.

Metroid Prime heralded the long-awaited return of the Metroid series after an eight year - eight year! - post Super Metroid absence. It went on to spawn two sequels of its own. A few years later, all three games were bundled together to create the limited-release Metroid Prime Trilogy for Wii, one of the most cost-effective deals in the history of gaming. Trilogy features a new widescreen format and updated Wii controls.

The Stages of Heartbreak

This is my relationship advice post.

Game Review: Super Mario Galaxy 2

Super Mario Galaxy 2 

Caliente!

Wii, 2010

Developer: Nintendo

Publisher: Nintendo

Time to Complete: 20-90 hours

Super Mario Galaxy 2 is, as of this writing, the second-best selling game of 2010 - right behind God of War 3. Nintendo has outdone themselves yet again with this one, delivering an amazing game with almost no strikes against it. Well, almost. The Threesome Minigame is out of place in an Everyone-rated game and personally, I'm appalled that Mario and Luigi would do such unspeakable things with Princess Toadstool while the Toads look on creepily.