Game Review: Mega Man ZX Advent

Mega Man ZX Advent

There Is No Dana, Only Zuul


Nintendo DS, 2007

Publisher: Capcom

Developer: Inti Creates

Time to Complete: 3-8 hours

Mega Man ZX Advent is the hottest, sexiest game I've ever played. If this game were any sexier, it would consist entirely of me having a three-way with You and Your Clone. Who? You know who you are. This game is just that sexy. If this game had a human form, I would make love to it, and it would wake up the roommates, the neighbors, and the dead from the nearby Indian Burial Ground with the sheer noisiness. This game knows it, as the Mega Man series continues its dominance of the DS with this sexy-ass game. I legitimately want to spank Mega Man ZX Advent, and spank it good.

Game Review: Mega Man ZX

Mega Man ZX

Where Mega Men go to die


Nintendo DS, 2006

Publisher: Capcom

Developer: Inti Creates

Time to Complete: 3-8 hours

Mega Man ZX is the first semi-traditional Mega Man on the Nintendo DS. Following in the footsteps of Mega Man, Mega Man X, and Mega Man Zero, this is an action game through and through. Like the X series and Zero series, this is a fast-paced game with lots of dashing around and elemental-themed mecha-animal bosses. The problem is that the Mega Man X control setup and formula has gotten worse with every successive iteration, and at this point I don't think Capcom really knows what they're doing with it. Still, as someone who loves Mega Man games almost as much as most of my generation loves pretending they're tough because they sometimes watch UFC, I had to give it a try.

New Ratings System

From here on, I'm going to change my ratings system from a five-star scheme to a simple number system. Now, ratings will be on a scale of 0.0 to 10, with half point intervals.

In other words, 0.0, 0.5, 1.0, 1.5, 2.0, and so on. A 10 would be awarded to something completely amazing, while a 0.0 would be reserved for something unspeakably bad, something that I'm not sure even exists.

I'm going to use this system for game reviews, since it has more steps and thus allows more precise ratings. I considered keeping the star ratings for movie reviews since they end up having star ratings in the paper I sometimes write for, but I think for the purposes of this blog I'll have them use numbers as well.

The only downside is, no more Metroids, Mario stars, or Kratos heads. I'd go back and retroactively change the reviews I've done to the numeric ratings, but I think they might lose some charm. What do you think? Change them for consistency, or leave them for charm?

Movie Review: The Expendables

The Expendables
Needed more Zach Dietz

Directed by Sylvester Stallone


Starring... well, look up.


Rated R

One of the most highly anticipated movies of the summer, The Expendables is a collaboration, congregation, collection, and celebration of 80's and 90's action stars who have gathered in one place for one purpose: to make a movie so manly that, upon viewing the opening credits, every female in the theater becomes instantly pregnant. Why? Because it's the only way we'll have the manpower to defeat China.

Game Review: Metroid Prime Trilogy (Part 3: Metroid Prime 3)

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Reinventing the wheel


Wii, 2007 / 2009

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Retro Studios

Time to Complete: 9 to 13 hours first go

Note: This review covers the Metroid Prime Trilogy version of the game. Though as far as I can tell, it's the same as the regular version.

Brought to us once again by the sexual dynamos at Retro Studios, Metroid Prime 3 is the culmination of the Metroid Prime saga, as well as the first of the three to begin its existence on the Wii console. Is it any good? Find out inside. There will be both punch and pie. Rated T for Teen.

Movie Review: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

The most fun you'll have in a theater with your pants on 

Directed by Edgar Wright

Starring Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Rated PG-13


Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World is the kind of movie that any given person will either love or hate. People who are into manga and video games will have a lot of fun with this movie. However, people who have no connection to those worlds will likely find the movie to be silly and nonsensical. That said, as far as gaming-related movies go, this blows The Wizard out of the water.

Game Review: Metroid Prime Trilogy (Part 2: Metroid Prime 2)

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

Primeval


Gamecube, 2004 / Wii, 2009

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Retro Studios

Time to Complete: 10 to 15 hours first go

Note: This review covers the Metroid Prime Trilogy version of the game.

Metroid Prime 2 is a somewhat divisive game. Some people swear by it, while others think of it as the black sheep of the trilogy. I have heard it compared to Majora's Mask in that regard. Does it deserve the comparison? In a way, yes. It's much darker than its predecessor and it has a central hub area that the other areas branch off of. The similarities end there, though. It's a bit different, yes, but this game is largely misunderstood and doesn't deserve the black sheep status. Kind of like the teenagers, with their loud "Gaga Lady" music and their not getting off of my lawn.

Game Review: Metroid Prime Trilogy (Part 1: Metroid Prime)

Metroid Prime

It's like prime rib


Gamecube, 2002 / Wii, 2009

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Retro Studios

Time to Complete: 7 to 12 hours first go

Note: This review covers the Metroid Prime Trilogy version of the game.

Metroid Prime heralded the long-awaited return of the Metroid series after an eight year - eight year! - post Super Metroid absence. It went on to spawn two sequels of its own. A few years later, all three games were bundled together to create the limited-release Metroid Prime Trilogy for Wii, one of the most cost-effective deals in the history of gaming. Trilogy features a new widescreen format and updated Wii controls.

The Stages of Heartbreak

This is my relationship advice post.

Game Review: Super Mario Galaxy 2

Super Mario Galaxy 2 

Caliente!

Wii, 2010

Developer: Nintendo

Publisher: Nintendo

Time to Complete: 20-90 hours

Super Mario Galaxy 2 is, as of this writing, the second-best selling game of 2010 - right behind God of War 3. Nintendo has outdone themselves yet again with this one, delivering an amazing game with almost no strikes against it. Well, almost. The Threesome Minigame is out of place in an Everyone-rated game and personally, I'm appalled that Mario and Luigi would do such unspeakable things with Princess Toadstool while the Toads look on creepily.

Game Review: God of War 3

God of War 3

Skull-Crushing Finale

Playstation 3, 2010

Developer: SCE Studios Santa Monica

Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Time to Complete: 7-9 hours

The finale to the God of War trilogy is, as of this writing, the best-selling game of 2010. I think we can all agree that video games are more sexual and violent now than they used to be. There are exceptions, like the 1989 Japanese Famicom classic Hashimoto the Sexy Octopus and the Girl's Locker Room of Super Peril Gaiden, which was banned in every country except Japan, Thailand, and Las Vegas.

Animatronics Vs. CGI, Passing Things On, and Pharmaceutical Ads

I've been hearing a lot lately about animatronics vs. CGI in movies. CGI is creating something with computer graphics, then digitally inserting it into a movie. Animatronics has to do with building the monster yourself (or a smaller scale model of it) and having it move on its own. Lots of examples of animatronics can be found in the original Star Wars movies and the flash-forward scenes in the first two Terminator movies. With CGI, your actors have to pretend that they're looking at the thing that will be digitally inserted later. With animatronics, they can actually interact with it.

Movie Review: Predators

Predators

Manages to hang with the original

Produced by Robert Rodriguez

Directed by Nimrod Antal

Starring Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne

Rated R

Predators is the spiritual - and some would say only canon - successor to the well-liked original movie, which starred Arnold Schwarznegger. Yes, there was a Predator 2 somewhere along the line, and it was decent, but this movie arguably takes its place in the lineage. And don't worry about those Alien Versus Predator movies, as this one ignores them entirely. The creators of this movie specifically said that the goal here was to have this movie be to Predator what Aliens was to Alien: a follow-up with new, badder, and more numerous variations of the foe. In that sense, I think they succeeded.

Game Review: God of War 2

God of War 2

Kratos returns, swinging more pipe than ever

Playstation 2, 2007

Developer: SCE Studios Santa Monica

Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Time to Complete: 8-12 hours

First thing's first: God of War 2 has a very noticeable lack of boobs compared to the first game. However, of the relatively few that it does have, the majority look like God spent an entire week perfecting them. I'm starting to think maybe these games need to more accurately represent the world's boobs with some imperfections. For instance, boobs with cross-eyed nipples.

Game Review: Mega Man 10

Mega Man 10

Surprisingly, not Mega Man X

Wii, PS3, XBox 360, 2010

Developer: Inti Creates, Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Time to Complete: 1-3 hours

Mega Man 10 is the latest edition of the storied, beloved series featuring the pantless blue wonder, who wears his underwear over his tights. Actually, to be more accurate, it's the latest expansion pack for Mega Man 1. It begins with what may well be the longest intro scene in Mega Man history, clocking in at approximately 14 hours.

Game Review: God of War

God of War

Should be called God of Boobs

Playstation 2, 2005

Developer: SCE Studios Santa Monica

Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Time to Complete: 5-7 hours

The very first, debut edition of A Serious Review™ is for a game I just recently played. Seemingly 90% of everyone else on the planet with a PS2 already played it years ago, so I'm a bit behind the times. For that other 10% who, like myself, aren't "hip" or "with it", here's the story. God of War is a third-person action game set in ancient Greece. You play as Kratos, a mortal who is on a quest to kill Ares, the renegade God of War...and anything else that has the misfortune of running into his grumpy, wrathful self. This review may or may not actually be Serious, and it is likely to be not very serious at all. Void in several states. Read on, if you dare.

Mario RPG Pt 7: Walk the Plank

The seventh and final installment of Mario RPG. In this one, Mario faces Smithy in a final battle for the ages... but that's not all.

I hope this series was good reading for the 24 fans in attendance.

Mario RPG Pt 6: Step into the AM

In this installment, I take care of some odds and ends before arriving at the final dungeon of the game.

Mario RPG Pt 5: Tijuana Vicodin Stand

Part five of the epic seven-part journey of Mario Bauer.


In this episode, our hero contends with a volcano, more beanstalks... and knife-wielding clowns.

Mario RPG Pt 4: The Passion of the Mallow

For whatever reason, Blogspot insists on completely screwing up my formatting and line-spacing, resulting in line spaces where there shouldn't be and no line spaces where there SHOULD be... not to mention lines packed together.

I would go back and edit this to fix it, because I'm not lazy... problem is, it takes my fixes as vague suggestions, and doesn't actually implement them on the page. Blogspot... you're on notice.

In any case, Mario rolls on, as our hero takes on Monstro Town, Bean Valley, Nimbus Land... and the massive-racked Queen Valentina.