Batman: Return of the Joker (NES, 1991)

Let's see if this is as ridiculously hard as the similarly-named Game Boy game. It's a similar-controlling game, but very different in terms of level layout, bosses, weapons, etc. So far, it seems like both of them are insanely hard and I don't know why I'm doing this.

I should just quit this site and become a Hot Tub Girl Streamer.

Batman (NES, 1989)

The "Sunsoft Batman" has been highly-acclaimed for a long time, but I didn't get around until playing it until the 2000's. I found it to be somewhat overrated and frustrating, but it's still worth a look. Originally, this was going to be the 1989 game in the Three Decade Project, but I got stuck on Stage 5-1 and gave up. Bad Dudes got the nod for that year instead. Later I found out that Stage 5-1 is actually the final level of the game, so it seems I quit too soon.

TMNT Tournament Fighters (NES and SNES, 1993)

 

Who were you expecting? ...The Addams Family?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project (NES, 1992)

Luckily, this one has nothing at all to do with the third Turtles movie. As far as I know, that awful piece of dreck never actually got a video game adaptation. The movie's four fans must have been disappointed.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game (NES, 1990)

Now this is more like it. A straight beat-em-up that is more fun to play in EVERY regard than the first game. Now that I've found an NES Turtles game that isn't sheer torture, I took way more screenshots than I probably should have. Let's get to it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES, 1989)

In 1989, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was approximately the coolest IP in the WORLD. I, and just about everyone I knew, watched the cartoon. We collected the action figures. We even ate the breakfast cereal, which had Turtle-shaped marshmallows. Everything Turtle-related was amazing. Everything, that is, except for this NES game.

Super Mario Bros. 3 (NES, 1990)

I remember when I was a kid, and had only played Super Mario Bros a few times. I thought that game was the coolest thing ever. At some point shortly after this sequel came out, I was at someone's house and they had -all three- of the Mario games. I would have given up a year's salary as a second-grader (all $50 of it) to have one of them. Of course, I wanted to play Super Mario Bros since I was obsessed with it, and my friend was like "No, you've gotta see Super Mario Bros 3, it's even better." This, of course, was hard to believe. Better than the first one? So we fired it up, and it was.

Smash T.V. (NES, 1990) and Super Smash T.V. (Super NES, 1992)

 

Man, who doesn't remember these ads? This is something I've meant to check out for a while. Going with the NES and SNES versions since they're the ones I wanted as a kid. It's more arcade blast-a-thons loosely based on The Running Man.

Dragon Warrior IV RAW IS WAR, Episode 1

IT'S MY LIFE IN A BOX, AND IT'S HARD TO BEAT!

TAKING CHALK IN MY ARMS, IT'S THE SOUL OF ME!

YOU WANT FIRE, ASHES SEE ME LAYING FACE DOWN!

WHY AM I THE THORN! IN YOUR EYE!

Kick Master (NES, 1991)

It's time for me to play the raddest NES game of 1991. Some people are masters of punching. Some people are masters of elbowing. Some people are just masters of blocking with their face. Not this guy. THIS... is Kick Master.

Raid 2020 (NES, 1989)

Time for what the pros refer to as a "shitty game". When I was a kid, I was obsessed with the 9mm Uzi for a bit. It's just a badass-looking gun. What's with the drugs though? I've never seen a prescription bottle with a poison sign on it, though in some cases that'd be a lot more honest.

Winners fight drugs? I hope you actually "fight drugs" in this game. Like one boss is a giant line of coke or something, on your quest to rescue the president who is a hovering crack pipe.

Sponsored by Raid: Shadow Legends! ...Or not.

Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones (NES, 1990)

This is BY FAR the toughest Double Dragon game. I mean, damn. They really overcorrected after the easier second game. This game is so hard that Nintendo Power's coverage of it is just a high-pitched scream.

Double Dragon II: The Revenge (NES, 1988)

This is it, Double Dragon TWO. The Reckoning. Does that make this Quadruple Dragon? .....I'll show myself out.

Double Dragon (NES, 1988)

Time to check out one of the finest beat 'em ups on the NES. This game got the street fighting genre rolling on consoles. Later games like Final Fight and Streets of Rage would refine the formula, beating this series up and stealing its lunch money. For its time, though, Double Dragon was the trendsetter, the prototype. More on those other beat 'em ups at a later date, because right now we're goin' ham on the OG.

Bad Dudes (NES, 1989)

Caution: Reading about the patriotic super-duo of BAD DUDES may cause spontaneous and uncontrollable arousal in women.

Predator (NES, 1987)

Predator was one of my favorite movies from the 80's, and it's a safe bet that I would have gotten the game if I'd had an NES as a kid. Yeah, it's another T2 For Game Boy situation. So how terrible is it?

Ghosts n' Goblins (NES, 1986)

 Oh God, why? Why? For a game that's only about 20 minutes long straight through, this is the most difficult game I've ever played.

I Take On All 46 Robot Masters in Mega Man 1-6

That's right! It's time for a boss rush! How fast can I defeat all these guys?

How far can I get without dying in the Ninja Gaiden trilogy?

The answer? Not very far, as it turns out. Videos within.

Contra Force (NES, 1992)

 This game is a spinoff of the main series, and it tries some new gameplay elements. Unfortunately, it's a victim of "NES games that came along during the SNES era" syndrome, and isn't very good.