Hagane (SNES)

Jungle of Massacre

Today, I'll be talking about an SNES game that is actually really good, one that I played a few years ago. Unfortunately, almost no one else played it. Chances are, you've never heard of it. Hagane is, in a way, the spiritual successor to the old NES Ninja Gaiden games. It's the closest the SNES ever got to Ninja Gaiden 4 (or more likely, "Super Ninja Gaiden 4"). It's unfortunate that it didn't have the NG name to boost it to prominence.

True Lies (SNES)

He Will Grope You.

True Lies, for the Super Nintendo, is one of the lamer movie-based games of the 1990's. However, it has a special place in my heart. You see, this is the only SNES game I ever owned as a kid that I never actually finished back then. It was just too difficult, and too...bad. Luckily, emulators exist, so I was able to revisit this as an adult. Armed with adult patience (but lacking kid-reflexes), could I defeat this great bear from my youth? Join me, as I Legends of the Fall this thing.

Power Blade 2 (NES)

This is the most attention anyone has paid to Power Blade in the last twenty years

The sequel to one of the NES's greatest and most under-looked games, Power Blade 2 is... painfully average. By 1992, the NES had been largely replaced by the SNES, and the few new NES games tended to be subpar and forgotten. Why they didn't just do a Super Power Blade on the SNES is beyond me, but instead we got this. That said... it ain't bad.

Power Blade (NES, 1991)

 

Today I'm going to look at a game that was prominently featured in the first Nintendo Power I ever read: Power Blade. Might have been the first game I ever wanted to play. Back in July 2008, I finally got a chance to play this game, after all those years. I took some screen shots and saved them up to unleash upon the world like a plague of locusts. Now, the time has come.

Game Review: Donkey Kong Country Returns

Donkey Kong Country Returns

I don't know if you've heard, but Donkey Kong Country has returned.


Wii, 2010

Publisher: Nintendo

Developer: Retro Studios / Nintendo

Time to Complete: 8-10 hours

Developed by Retro Studios, Donkey Kong Country Returns is Nintendo's attempt to re-ignite one of their signature franchises from the 90's. Similarly to Metroid: Other M, this game is a follow-up of sorts to the SNES age. So does it recapture the magic of the DKC series, or is it a mediocre game where Donkey Kong doesn't jump until he's given the okay from his commanding officer? Find out inside. Also, there will be naked Candy Kong. That'll bring in the ratings!

Game Review: The Mega Man X Series, Part III

The final three installments in the Mega Man X series are a definite departure from the previous six. They enter the realm of 3D and introduce a number of new characters. After the mess that was Mega Man X6, would the series bounce back with the last few installments? Read on to find out.

Game Review: The Mega Man X Series, Part II

Part two of my look at the illustrious Mega Man X series will cover games 4 through 6. This trio took the series in a bit of a different, more modern (for their time) direction. Zero is playable and the games take on a distinct anime look for these three. A darker atmosphere and more badass demeanor in general sets these games apart from the first three in the series. Join me for a look back at these great relics from the Playstation era.

Game Review: The Mega Man X Series, Part I

The Mega Man X series includes some of my favorite action games of all time. I enjoy the original, non-X Mega Man series as well in its various incarnations, but for me, the X series at its best (well, the first two) can be even more fun. It's Mega Man on speed, with a faster pace, more abilities, and a badass edge to it. Over the holidays I'll be replaying these games for the first time in years, and as I play them I'm going to do some mini-reviews of each one. I'm certainly looking forward to replaying these games...well, some of them. Some not so much. It's a hit-or-miss series, and the reviews will reflect that.

With the mild amount of resurgent interest in the series, possibly due to Gamestop's re-issuing of the game, it seemed like a good time to do this. I'm starting with mini-reviews of Mega Man X1, X2, and X3...in later installments I'll cover the rest of the X series up to X8 and Command Mission. Since CM is a big - and more modern - game, expect it to get more of a full-sized review than the mini-reviews the rest are getting.

For the record, I'm playing these (well, the first six) on the Mega Man X Collection. That is, the Playstation 2 version...do not, I repeat DO NOT get the Gamecube version unless you want a vastly inferior control scheme and a severely bent penis.

And to the women out there, don't think you can get away with playing that version just because you don't have a penis. Matter of fact, without penis assistance, I wouldn't even attempt to play Mega Man X with an unwieldy Gamecube controller in the first place.

Game Review: Odin Sphere

Odin Sphere

Because Odin's Ball just wouldn't sound right


Playstation 2, 2007

Publisher: Atlus

Developer: Vanillaware

Time to Complete: 40-50 hours

Odin Sphere is a cult favorite from the latter days of the Playstation 2's lifespan. 2007 was actually a pretty good year for the PS2, even though the next-gen systems were taking over by then. Why am I reviewing a game that is several years old? Because for some ungodly reason I played it earlier this year, and I need something to show for those efforts besides a debilitating spleen injury.

Demon's Crest (SNES)

Today I'm going to be looking at an old SNES game, Demon's Crest. It's actually the third game in the Gargoyle series, a forgotten little group of games by Capcom. I've never played the first two, but Demon's Crest is decent. This should be a fun little jaunt.

Demon's Crest. It sold about 1000 copies, so no one knew it existed.


UNTIL NOW.

Game Review: Mega Man ZX Advent

Mega Man ZX Advent

There Is No Dana, Only Zuul


Nintendo DS, 2007

Publisher: Capcom

Developer: Inti Creates

Time to Complete: 3-8 hours

Mega Man ZX Advent is the hottest, sexiest game I've ever played. If this game were any sexier, it would consist entirely of me having a three-way with You and Your Clone. Who? You know who you are. This game is just that sexy. If this game had a human form, I would make love to it, and it would wake up the roommates, the neighbors, and the dead from the nearby Indian Burial Ground with the sheer noisiness. This game knows it, as the Mega Man series continues its dominance of the DS with this sexy-ass game. I legitimately want to spank Mega Man ZX Advent, and spank it good.

Game Review: Mega Man ZX

Mega Man ZX

Where Mega Men go to die


Nintendo DS, 2006

Publisher: Capcom

Developer: Inti Creates

Time to Complete: 3-8 hours

Mega Man ZX is the first semi-traditional Mega Man on the Nintendo DS. Following in the footsteps of Mega Man, Mega Man X, and Mega Man Zero, this is an action game through and through. Like the X series and Zero series, this is a fast-paced game with lots of dashing around and elemental-themed mecha-animal bosses. The problem is that the Mega Man X control setup and formula has gotten worse with every successive iteration, and at this point I don't think Capcom really knows what they're doing with it. Still, as someone who loves Mega Man games almost as much as most of my generation loves pretending they're tough because they sometimes watch UFC, I had to give it a try.

Game Review: Super Mario Galaxy 2

Super Mario Galaxy 2 

Caliente!

Wii, 2010

Developer: Nintendo

Publisher: Nintendo

Time to Complete: 20-90 hours

Super Mario Galaxy 2 is, as of this writing, the second-best selling game of 2010 - right behind God of War 3. Nintendo has outdone themselves yet again with this one, delivering an amazing game with almost no strikes against it. Well, almost. The Threesome Minigame is out of place in an Everyone-rated game and personally, I'm appalled that Mario and Luigi would do such unspeakable things with Princess Toadstool while the Toads look on creepily.

Game Review: God of War 3

God of War 3

Skull-Crushing Finale

Playstation 3, 2010

Developer: SCE Studios Santa Monica

Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Time to Complete: 7-9 hours

The finale to the God of War trilogy is, as of this writing, the best-selling game of 2010. I think we can all agree that video games are more sexual and violent now than they used to be. There are exceptions, like the 1989 Japanese Famicom classic Hashimoto the Sexy Octopus and the Girl's Locker Room of Super Peril Gaiden, which was banned in every country except Japan, Thailand, and Las Vegas.

Game Review: God of War 2

God of War 2

Kratos returns, swinging more pipe than ever

Playstation 2, 2007

Developer: SCE Studios Santa Monica

Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Time to Complete: 8-12 hours

First thing's first: God of War 2 has a very noticeable lack of boobs compared to the first game. However, of the relatively few that it does have, the majority look like God spent an entire week perfecting them. I'm starting to think maybe these games need to more accurately represent the world's boobs with some imperfections. For instance, boobs with cross-eyed nipples.

Game Review: Mega Man 10

Mega Man 10

Surprisingly, not Mega Man X

Wii, PS3, XBox 360, 2010

Developer: Inti Creates, Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Time to Complete: 1-3 hours

Mega Man 10 is the latest edition of the storied, beloved series featuring the pantless blue wonder, who wears his underwear over his tights. Actually, to be more accurate, it's the latest expansion pack for Mega Man 1. It begins with what may well be the longest intro scene in Mega Man history, clocking in at approximately 14 hours.

Game Review: God of War

God of War

Should be called God of Boobs

Playstation 2, 2005

Developer: SCE Studios Santa Monica

Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment

Time to Complete: 5-7 hours

The very first, debut edition of A Serious Review™ is for a game I just recently played. Seemingly 90% of everyone else on the planet with a PS2 already played it years ago, so I'm a bit behind the times. For that other 10% who, like myself, aren't "hip" or "with it", here's the story. God of War is a third-person action game set in ancient Greece. You play as Kratos, a mortal who is on a quest to kill Ares, the renegade God of War...and anything else that has the misfortune of running into his grumpy, wrathful self. This review may or may not actually be Serious, and it is likely to be not very serious at all. Void in several states. Read on, if you dare.