Friday, May 30, 2014

Dragon Quest III #2 - Kandar's Hentai Emporium

This isn't your grandpa's Dragon Warrior III! This remake has SUPER POWER.


My God! There's a baby down there!

"Evil tidings are afoot!" he says before sprouting wings and flying off.

I take a trip down the well of my own to search for loots... and there's a house down here. That's just weird.

I take a detour to see the Small Medal King. He has a lot of unique wares that you can claim depending on how many medals you've found. The Spiny Whip is a great early-game Thief weapon, but I've got my sights set on getting Faith a Garter Belt.

The higher-tier items have some excellent stats, but I doubt I'll get that many medals.

I go on a brief Small Medal hunt. They're usually in pretty obvious places, like people's dressers.

Everyone wants a piece of this mysterious Kandar guy.

Crab: "Actually, I do. Are you not William he Bloody? I hear people call you that because of your god-awful poetry!"

.....wow, I did NOT see that coming.

Not only is it notorious, this place is BRUTAL. I had to go back to the inn a bunch of times while trying to get through here. My party isn't exactly optimal.

The backgrounds are much nicer than they are on the NES. Rather than just being a flat blue color, it looks like a watercolor painting of a real sky.

Angel has a few Thief spells already. Since it's the new class, I'll give it a rundown. Location tells you where you are, if you somehow forgot. Hawk Eye tells you where the nearest town is. ThiefNose is a bit more useful, allowing the caster to sniff out remaining chests in the area. ...Besides those of the two Slayers.

Finally, our heroes arrive at Kandar's Hentai Emporium.

"Unfortunately, no one leaves Kandar's Hentai Emporium alive..."

"...without takin advantage of one of our great deals! Perhaps I could interest you in the..."

"...Vibrating Kevin Nash action figure! Featuring stimulating Vibro-sage(tm) at the push of a button! Finally, an action figure mom will love too!"

"Whirrr" he says while vibrating wildly.

Our heroes decline, and now Kandar is pissed!

This fight is really difficult, to say the least. Kandar himself is the first real boss of the game, and he's astronomically stronger than anything else up to this point. Plus he has a goon squad, which doesn't help matters at all.

Dammit! He killed Angel!

And Spike! He's killing all the men!

Kandar: "I am a well-oiled machine, ladies!"

Finally, our heroes barely manage to subdue the Hentai kingpin, probably because he refused to hit any women. The crown is recovered, and I need an inn. Or a healer. This fight likely would have been far less difficult with a more balanced party... like a healer, mage, and dedicated fighter or tank instead of a Jester and two sub-par melee classes.

"Ooh la la" says Buffy while Spike struts around for her. Wait, what season are we in? Maybe she's still with Angel at this point. Well, Faith and Spike are both good, so... S7?

I wonder if this is also for Spike.

Okay, I was wrong about this being a good early-game weapon. Maybe if you get it super-early...

Regular townspeople are shocked that the hero is a woman. If this game were realistic, they'd be more shocked that a bunch of people just wandered into their bedrooms.

This guy makes our hero into the new king. Wait, what? WHAT IS HAPPENING

Will this game ever cool it with people noticing that Buffy is a woman? I should have just made her a dude named Erdrick, as is canon.

The good news is that Buffy gets a sweet red dress out of the deal.

Homina.

Man, everyone's hating on Queen Buffy. Next time Kandar threatens the kingdom, they can deal with it themselves!

Huh huh...the king went downstairs. Hee. Well, good to know he's keeping the two queens happy.

Yeah, the hell with this. I want my three other party members back. They all disappeared into the ether before, because they're soul-less voids within the context of the game. There's zero characterization for the heroes.

Apparently they just pass the crown around.

Queen: "I was kinged twice last night. It was amazing."

Time to get back to the regular game. These aren't cool Buffyverse vampires... they're lame-ass Twilight vampires that sparkle, and are easily dispatched.

Found another one of these. I'm finding a lot of them, actually...

Finally, I have ten of them, which means...ohhh yeah.

I'll be in my bunk.

2 comments:

  1. It is better to get the Spiny Whip earlier, but also significant is that it can attack groups of enemies. None of the NES Dragon Quests had that.

    "You've done well to make it here (with that wack party)"

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  2. The small medals are a very interesting currency idea, and I'm also enjoying the Buffy characterization.

    The town that passes the crown around could be an example to fantasydom of popular sovereignty if they didn't make such knee-jerk decisions. Oh wait, that itself is a downside of popular sovereignty.

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